


I Stop Using My Head

by sunshineflying



Series: One More Night [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-16 04:41:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineflying/pseuds/sunshineflying
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall wakes up one morning and finds that his body has completely changed. Instead of being a male, he's a female. He tries to call his band mates for help and Harry is first to the rescue, but his help doesn't work the way they'd planned. Now they've all got to work together while keeping the mishap out of the media, and it isn't easy. But Niall can't give up now. There's another life on the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Contains Niall as a female, as introduced this chapter. Let me know what you think! Chapter two is already in the works :)

It’s probably best to start at the beginning. November began, the tour ended, and they had time to breathe for a few days before they had to hit the studio to finish their album. On their first weekend off, Niall woke up to a big surprise – a surprise he had no idea how handle.

His first thought was that he was so exhausted by the end of the tour that he was hallucinating. But he’d slept for at least twelve hours so he knew that couldn’t have been it. Niall had no logical explanation whatsoever for why he was looking in the mirror but the reflection didn’t match his appearance. The small traits were there – freckles and marks, blonde hair, blue eyes – but he was so _feminine_. More than that, he stood there in his clothes but they hung on his body. His muscles weren’t as sculpted, and his shorts were falling right down his hips.

One tug of his shirt up and over his head revealed a set of plain, perky breasts. Pale like the rest of his body and pink right at the nipples, they looked to be modest but visible, and Niall reached up to cup them with his hands nervously. It was strange, because he’d touched breasts plenty of times but now he was touching his own. His hand was too big for most girls he’d been with, but this time his breast fit fully in his palm. Niall frowned as he realized he had small, feminine hands as well. As he became distracted with the touching and watched himself in the mirror, he brought a second hand up to touch at his breasts and his baggy shorts dropped right to his ankles.

Upon awakening, Niall had felt strange as he walked through the hallway from his bed to the bathroom but he hadn’t realized everything about him had changed. Instead of seeing his usual parts, he saw a vagina. Soft blonde hair curled neatly over the area that used to be consumed by his dick just a day before. Niall’s hands dropped to his sides and he was about to have a serious freak out. “What the…?” he trailed off, still shocked, and even his voice was different.

He wasn’t himself, but at the same time he was exactly the same. Niall’s hair was still blonde, with dark roots up at the top, but it was long and layered and fell about his shoulders and down towards his breasts in small waves. His eyes were blue but his eyelashes were longer. His teeth were still perfect (thank goodness!) but his smile was more feminine. His fingernails were longer, his body was curvier, and he was just much more slender. If he were a guy looking at a girl with this body, he’d want her right away. But this was _him_. He was looking at _himself_. It wasn’t right.

In a panic, Niall reached out for his phone and dialed the first name he could find. Liam was the most understanding and Niall knew that if anyone were to be sympathetic and helpful, it would be him. But Liam didn’t answer. Next in line was Harry, and at least he’d answered. “Hello?” he asked.

“Harry, help me,” Niall begged.

“Who’s this?” Harry asked in confusion.

“It’s…” Niall began, but that’s when he realized how different he must sound. “Can you just get to Niall’s? Fast? And come alone.”

“Uh… okay?” Harry replied.

Niall hung up and really hoped that Harry would leave. Harry, while skeptical, couldn’t figure out a reason why a fan might tell him to go to Niall’s house of all places if they got hold of his number, so he didn’t think it was that risky to just leave and go visit Niall. Something could be seriously wrong. Harry rushed out to his car and began driving towards Niall.

Across town, Niall was tugging on a tee shirt and it hung on him like a dress. It covered his whole body so nothing was exposed, but he felt frumpy and awkward. When the doorbell rang, he rushed to the door and opened it. Harry froze and stared down at him for a minute – a minute in which Niall realized he’d _shrunk_ , as well – and then he stammered, “I er… were you the girl that called me about Niall? ‘s he okay?”

“Yeah,” Niall nodded. He wanted to get Harry inside and away from prying eyes before he said anything. “Follow me.”

Niall walked upstairs and into his room before he turned around to look at Harry and say, “I’m Niall.”

Harry burst out laughing as Niall stood there, his arms out wide. “Harry, stop laughing,” Niall begged. “I’m serious. It’s me, Niall.”

But Harry’s laughter was raucous and loud and almost mocking. It made Niall feel extremely frustrated and embarrassed. Maybe it was because he was in a girls’ body, but he felt almost like crying. Harry nearly collapsed on the floor he was laughing so hard. Upset, Niall mumbled to himself that he never should have called someone, and he went to curl up in bed. It was a lot easier to curl in on himself in this smaller body. That was all it took for Harry to realize that something wasn’t right, and he looked over at the bed, confused. “Where’s Niall? Seriously,” he said, a bit upset that he hadn’t understood the joke.

“I’m right here,” Niall replied seriously, looking over his shoulder at Harry.

He sat up but didn’t move from the bed. “I’ve still got the freckles,” he gestured at his body. “The eyes. The smile. It’s all there. It’s me, Hazza.”

Niall didn’t often use the nickname but he thought that maybe it would help Harry understand who he was. Harry spotted Niall’s phone on the bedside table and handed it to him. “What’s the passcode?” he asked, knowing full well that if it wasn’t Niall, they wouldn’t know the code.

But Niall tapped the passcode out perfectly and Harry just had to stare for a moment. “What the fuck?” he asked softly. “You’re hot.”

Niall huffed and pulled his knees to his chest. “Hey, come now,” Harry insisted as he climbed to sit next to him. “I never said it was a bad thing. Maybe we can figure out why this happened. Did you say something? Drink something? Maybe you just have to fuck a dude and it’ll fix things?”

All of those ideas sounded ridiculous, but at the same time the entire situation was ridiculous. Niall really didn’t know what to do. He looked over at Harry and then asked, “What would you do?”

“I’d probably fuck. You can’t tell me you’ve never wondered what it’s like for a girl,” Harry replied honestly. “I mean, have you touched yourself even?”

Niall sighed and shook his head. “Of course not,” he replied.

“Well why not?” Harry challenged him.

Niall didn’t have an answer at first. He supposed that it was because it felt like he’d be violating something or someone if he did such a thing. But as he thought about it, he realized that it was his own body. He just had to rediscover it. Niall shrugged and looked over at Harry. “It’s just weird,” he mumbled lamely.

“It’s not weird,” Harry insisted. He reached out and rested a hand on Niall’s opposite knee and looked into his eyes as he asked, “Is… is this okay?”

Niall swallowed hard and nodded, because he hadn’t been expecting the jolt of electricity in his body at the touch. Harry looked so earnest and so curious, and Niall didn’t know what was going to happen. He’d heard that Harry was gentle and actually quite a nice guy, but that didn’t leave Niall any more nervous. He was a guy in a girl’s body. He didn’t know what it would feel like in this new body, but he really wanted to find out. Besides, in some convoluted way, it might actually fix things.

Harry watched Niall closely as he made each move, and he’d resolved to stop as soon as Niall got too uncomfortable. This was a big deal for him. Niall was essentially losing his virginity all over again. At least Niall could trust Harry.

He slid his hand up Niall’s leg, gently over his thigh and up underneath the shirt he was wearing. Niall’s skin was so soft and it was so pale, almost like porcelain. Niall’s breathing was labored and Harry looked up to look for tears or some sort of sign that maybe this wasn’t what Niall wanted. But he just had his eyes closed and his lips parted just barely, his chest heaving with each breath as he let himself acclimate to this new body.

With one swift tug, Harry slid the shirt up and off of Niall. He pushed Niall’s hair from his face, the long strands getting in the way just like with a girl. Niall curled his legs close to his chest, embarrassed by his new body. He knew that he was hot, but it still felt awkward, a bit exposed, and it made him uneasy. Niall looked up at Harry, who just smiled at him calmly. “’s okay, Niall,” Harry said simply. “Just relax. Your body is perfect.”

Harry slid his hands over Niall’s perched knees, relaxing each muscle in his body as he pushed his legs slowly down, getting Niall to relax and just lay back on the bed. Harry’s touches made Niall’s heart race, and he closed his eyes again. Harry couldn’t tear his eyes from the way Niall’s lips parted just barely, puffy in a permanent pout that drove him mad. Before he could really think, Harry leaned in to kiss him. It didn’t feel strange; in fact, it felt just like with a girl. Niall felt a jolt of electricity through his body, and he smiled as he felt Harry kiss him deeper as his lips parted a bit more in surprise.

Niall felt completely overwhelmed. He felt every single brush of skin, sensitive against his body, and he was beginning to feel a throbbing down between his legs. It was a strange sensation; he was used to just getting an erection and that was it. With girls though, it was hidden but intense. It was something he couldn’t really control but it drove him wild. When Harry felt Niall less involved in the kiss, he leaned back and asked, “You okay?”

Surprised by the sudden lack of contact, Niall looked up at Harry with mild surprise and nodded. “Yeah. ‘m fine,” Niall said, his voice weak.

Harry smiled, because he knew exactly what was going on now. Niall was just overwhelmed by all the new sensations in a girl’s body. What’s better is he had called Harry – someone who knew how to please a girl – and he was determined to make his first time amazing. “Lay back,” Harry instructed, his voice soft and low.

For him, everything was easy. It was the same as it always had been only this time he had to be more careful because it was a near crisis for Niall. It was bound to be shocking and surprising and probably more than he could handle. Harry even had the fleeting thought that Niall was probably a virgin in this body, so it wouldn’t be good for him at all right away.

Harry watched Niall lay down on the bed with trepidation. His long blonde hair splayed out on the pillows and his body tensed yet again. He wasn’t sure what would happen if he spread his legs. Niall didn’t know what to do in general now that he was in the opposite place he was used to, but he’d do whatever Harry instructed him to do. Harry’s lips met Niall’s again, only this time he slid his lips along his jaw, the feminine curve leading to his neck. As he did that, he let his hand slide over Niall’s slim waist and up to cup one of his breasts. It was small compared to Harry’s hand and Niall felt embarrassed by that, but he didn’t say a word. He just let Harry continue because it felt good, breast size aside.

The first sound out of Niall’s mouth next was a moan, feminine and high-pitched but absolutely sinful as Harry’s fingers teased one of his nipples. Harry smiled as he kissed at his neck, loving the sounds coming out of Niall’s mouth. He teased Niall there for a few more minutes until Niall was literally squirming under his touch, legs parted just barely. Niall could feel the heat and the throbbing between his legs, something he wasn’t used to. It felt almost _wet_. It was a strange sensation, to say the least.

Harry took advantage of the fact that Niall had relaxed and spread his legs and decided to let his hand slide even lower. Niall gasped when Harry’s hands slipped between his folds and rubbed over the sensitive bundle of nerves. He knew that girls liked to be touched there but he hadn’t anticipated just how intense the sensations would be. He looked up at Harry with wide, lust-blown eyes, and just stared at him for a moment, breathing heavily. Harry smiled up at Niall as he watched his reactions. “Feels good?” Harry asked.

Niall nodded, still breathless, and Harry’s grin grew wider. “You are loving this right now,” Harry observed with amusement.

Niall just smacked him on the arm playfully, but then Harry slid his hand along Niall’s clit again and he took complete control as Niall just moaned and arched his back again. Harry teased at the bud before he slid his fingers lower, crooking them just enough to slide just a fingertip inside of Niall.

That was probably the strangest sensation of all for Niall. He didn’t understand just how it felt when someone was inside of another, but just the gentle prodding from Harry gave him an odd feeling throughout his body. It was good, but at the same time it wasn’t. But as Harry slid his finger in and out gently, it didn’t hurt as much. It was better and more pleasurable, especially when he crooked his fingers upwards. Niall was panting and moaning again, and he couldn’t hold back as Harry fingered him and kissed his neck and drove him mad.

When he realized what the next step was, Niall felt a bit guilty almost for neglecting Harry and his own _situation_ where he lay to his side. He reached out to tug at Harry’s shirt and the smirk on Harry’s face told him that he knew exactly what Niall wanted next. He helped Niall strip the clothes from his body to reveal that just from the sounds and touching alone, he was turned on. “D’you…?” Niall asked and licked his lips, because he knew that he always enjoyed a bit of a blow before he actually slipped inside of a girl.

Harry felt Niall’s eyes lingering on his hard, leaking cock, and he shook his head. “’s fine,” Harry smiled insistently.

Harry always thought that blow jobs were a bit derogatory. He’d never turn one down if a girl began giving one before asking, but if they asked, he always said no. It usually meant they had some doubts or didn’t know how to do it, and he never wanted a girl to feel like she had to do such a thing. Niall eyed Harry warily but just nodded. He let one of Harry’s hands reach out to slide his legs further apart and then he felt his whole body flush when Harry knelt between his legs.

Niall felt so exposed even in such a plain, simple position. Legs spread wide, body sprawled out beneath Harry – it was a very vulnerable position. Harry could see every inch of this new body of Niall’s. His breasts were perky and lacked attention, so Niall let one hand slide over them absentmindedly for a moment as Harry positioned himself just right.

He barely slid the tip in before Niall was gasping, face red with pain. “Shit, you’re a virgin,” Harry muttered. He slid a hand behind Niall’s neck to hold him closer, the other hand on his hip. “Breathe, Niall. It’ll get better.”

Niall felt like something was ripping through his body, and not in a good way. It hurt and he didn’t want to move. His muscles seized up and he frowned. If this was what girls went through, Niall would never have sex with them again. He’d find another way to get his kicks. But Harry seemed used to this, what with his reputation of having lots of girls, and Niall had the fleeting thought that maybe he knew what he was doing.

Harry kept slowly pushing into Niall, meeting resistance. He hadn’t even gone all the way yet, that thin sheen of skin hadn’t broken yet, and Niall was already in pain. “Niall, look at me,” Harry said as he paused his movements. Niall took a deep breath and looked up at Harry. “We can stop if you want. Just say the word.”

“Will it get better?” Niall asked with a shaky breath. He’d certainly never had this problem with a girl before. Not to this extent, at least. She’d wince once and move on.

“Yeah,” Harry nodded with a reassuring smile. “And… and if it doesn’t, just tell me. We’ll stop. We can do something else. Try a different solution to fix this.”

Niall took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment as he tried to relax. He still felt pain radiating in his lower region, but he held onto Harry’s biceps and opened his eyes before he nodded and gave Harry the okay to continue. “This is the worst part, ready?” Harry asked. He could feel that resistance and wanted to warn Niall.

Niall closed his eyes but tried to stay relaxed as he nodded. He didn’t know what to expect, but he felt a sharp pain as Harry thrust into him. Harry wasn’t rough by any means, but he used just the right amount of pressure to break through and take Niall’s virginity as he plunged deep inside of him. Niall let out a soft whimper, but once Harry was in, it wasn’t as bad. It felt like a tight fit, like maybe it wouldn’t get better entirely, but Harry slowly began rocking his hips with a rhythm so slow it couldn’t have felt good for him, and slowly the pain began to subside.

Harry kept his eyes on Niall to make sure he was okay, and he could see his expression relaxing. It might have taken a while to get to that point, but the fact of the matter was that now they were doing what they’d set out to do. It seemed like an odd solution but it was about as likely to fix things as was any other thing they’d listed off earlier.

Niall felt so strange. He’d never been the one getting fucked before, and wow if it didn’t feel odd. He felt like he was hurting Harry, like maybe he was too tight, and he just laid there as he felt his entire lower region seem to heat up, to get warmer and wetter with all the pleasure. “Niall…” Harry whispered.

Their eyes locked and Niall forgot all about how he’d gotten into that situation, and he let himself enjoy it. Even though the pleasure wasn’t as intense throughout the whole thing as it was when he was in his male body, it felt good. “Is it good?” Harry asked softly.

Niall nodded, but Harry seemed to get more pleasure out of it than he did. Niall held on to Harry and used a hand to tease at his nipples but he never seemed to feel that deep coiling in his belly that told him he was about to orgasm. How did girls get off from this? It felt good having Harry’s cock sliding in and out of him, hitting all the right places as he thrust over and over, a little faster now that Niall was relaxing and comfortable. Harry seemed to catch on, though, and he bit his lip.

He reached down between them and first squeezed at the base of his cock as just the tip rested inside of Niall to keep himself from coming too soon. It felt odd for Niall to look down and see the wrong parts earlier so he didn’t look in that moment, and he was taken by surprise when Harry held his hip and dipped a thumb down to rub at his clit as he pressed back inside of him. This caused a loud moan to erupt from Niall’s lips and he understood now. _This_ was how girls got off from that – or some, at least, because Harry didn’t seem surprised that Niall needed that extra push.

“N-Niall,” Harry stammered. His thrusts were becoming far more erratic and Niall knew what that meant.

Niall just moaned louder and tugged Harry into a messy kiss. Harry was so close and he didn’t want to cum inside of Niall without a condom, but he couldn’t stop. Not when Niall was begging him to keep going, begging him not to stop. Harry couldn’t make Niall’s first (and maybe only) time in a girl’s body suck, so he kept going. He thought he could hold out. But then Niall moaned and his whole body convulsed, muscles tightening around Harry’s cock, and that was it. Without warning, Harry came hard, and they both froze, catching their breath for a moment.

It was when Harry pulled out and Niall had the courage to look down and watch that he realized what had happened. “Uh… Harry?” Niall said, looking down.

A string of cum had followed Harry’s cock as he slid out and he bit his lip. “I… I couldn’t help it,” Harry said desperately. “I tried not to but you were so hot, and you were moaning, and you begged me not to, and…”

Niall felt like he was about to cry. If he was in a female’s body, didn’t that mean he could get pregnant? His stomach sank and he wanted to panic, but Harry said softly, “Stop, don’t worry. It’s fine. I bet you can’t get pregnant. This is just a one-off, a one-day thing. I… I bet you’ll wake up with a cock tomorrow.”

“What if I don’t?” Niall asked softly.

Harry looked panicked as well now, and he said, “Just… some girls try to push it out. Do that?”

Niall didn’t know how to do that, how to make his muscles work the right way, and he was really self-conscious about it. He felt tears pricking at his eyes. The last thing he wanted while trapped in this odd female version of his body was to get pregnant. What’s worse is that it hadn’t helped. He was still a girl, and he was still lying there naked. “I’ll go to the drugstore and get you one of those morning-after pills. And… we’ll go get you some girls’ clothes and we’ll make the best of it. You’ll be fine,” Harry said. He swallowed hard, guilt washing over him, but he couldn’t leave Niall hanging now.

With a frown, Niall nodded and climbed off of the bed. He tugged on a pair of basketball shorts that had a drawstring on them, and he tugged them tight before shrugging a tee shirt on over his top half. It was all he had that would fit until he found some new outfits. What’s more is that Niall just had to hope and pray that Harry was right – that pill would work, he’d wake up the following day in his own, male body. He just had to hope that the nightmare was almost over.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting really angsty, just to warn. But keep the feedback coming! I love reading what you guys think of this fic :)

At first, Niall was convinced that Harry had been right. He’d gone shopping with Harry and bought just a few outfits in hopes that he’d wake up one day in his male body again, but it wasn’t happening. Bra shopping had been the worst, but the woman at the clothing store had no problem with sizing him for the perfect bra. Harry had enjoyed helping Niall shop for underwear more than anything else. Niall was getting used to this new body, and he’d taken the pill that Harry bought him the day they’d had sex, and Niall was sure he was okay.

He also hadn’t had sex since that morning. He didn’t want to.

Harry had been very supportive of him. In fact, everyone in the band was supportive. That was, until management got word of the situation. Instantly, damage control was on it. They were trying to come up with some easy way for Niall to exit the band, or at least to take a hiatus. It came down to talking to Niall’s family. They all agreed that one of his family members were going to be very sick, and he’d be home to support them. It would explain his presence only on half of the album, and his absence during the stadium tour.

Niall had a break down the night he was told that he was to stay quiet and out of the media. What’s worse is that he wanted to scream when he was told that he couldn’t sing or tour. It was his dream, and he couldn’t even explain why he wasn’t getting to live it out anymore. Harry had lain with Niall all night, holding him and letting him sob into his shoulder. He knew that it was difficult for Niall, more than he could possibly fathom. The band was their lives and now Niall didn’t get to do it.

Everyone took it hard; Liam, Zayn, and Louis missed him all the time. They visited Niall whenever they could but it was difficult. They were constantly busy and that left Niall alone most of the time. He escaped into his own world when he was stuck at home, and he scared himself with the amount of online shopping he did. When he resigned himself to being a girl and being stuck in that body, he began buying more things. Retail therapy was what he did to try to cheer up.

Time kept flying, and Niall noticed that he wasn’t going through things that most girls experienced. Namely, he wasn’t getting his period. At first he’d been extremely happy. It meant he couldn’t get pregnant, and that his inside parts hadn’t changed. That also meant that he wasn’t going to permanently be a woman. He’d been so excited he very nearly threw a party. The discovery came at a perfect moment though, because he was just getting over the decision from management to have his male form dip out of the group for a bit.

Life was a rollercoaster of emotions for Niall, to say the least. He didn’t like being in a woman’s body because he enjoyed being himself. He liked being a member of a boy band, singing up there on stage, no reservations and no apologies. He missed his guitar, and singing, and it just wasn’t the same in this new body. He’d been told by the guys that he could still sing really well, but it wasn’t _his_ voice. It was a girl’s voice and that wasn’t Niall. He wasn’t himself and his head was a jumbled mix of emotions.

At least when everyone hung out, he got to be around other females and that helped him cope. Eleanor, Danielle, and Perrie were really great about that. They gave him a makeover one night. Even though Niall was still himself, he still wanted to look good. Just like he’d taken care of his body when he was a male, he wanted to do the same in this female body. He let them show him the best skin products to keep from breaking out, how to apply makeup to accentuate his features, and even how to style his hair. It was overwhelming but the other girls had enjoyed it a lot, and Niall felt a little less alone. He’d always bonded with the guys in the band but now it was a lot more difficult. At least he had their girlfriends to bond with, and they were also around when the guys were busy.

Overall, as much as Niall felt as though he had a good support system, he still wasn’t happy in this female body. How could he be? He was a guy. His brain was wired a certain way and his brain hadn’t changed a bit. It was hard to be in this female body. He didn’t like spending so much time in front of the mirror, taking care of this body. But he wouldn’t slack off because he didn’t want it to mean that when he did get switched back, it would reflect in his male body.

Now that he wasn’t a star and instead he was just some plain girl, he’d developed a routine. He’d wake up early, text the guys, go for a run, and maybe have a reply from one of the guys by the time he got home. Then he’d shower, dry his hair, style it and get dressed, put on a little bit of makeup, and then more often than not, he’d drive over to visit Eleanor at Uni. She suggested maybe he enroll, take some classes and do something with himself while he was in this body, but he always resisted. Nobody would believe him if he applied as Niall Horan. He was a girl! It was insane. He had to just stay off of the radar and thank management for all they’d done for him so far.

It was nearly two months after he’d first switched to a girl that he began growing more miserable. It was fall, seasons were changing, and he felt ill off and on for weeks. He blamed it on the weather. He’d still go for a run, he’d still find time to visit Eleanor at Uni, but it wasn’t easy. Niall just didn’t feel right.

“Maybe it’s a good sign,” he’d said when Elenaor approached him with concern. “Maybe it means I’m switching back slowly.”

But she didn’t believe it. None of the others did. “You should see a doctor,” Liam suggested.

“Maybe you’re just going to get your period finally,” Perrie added.

They all sat around Louis and Harry’s place one night, enjoying each other’s company before the guys left on stadium tour, but it wasn’t fun for Niall. He wasn’t feeling the best but he’d gone with because he missed the others. He missed being able to just joke around with Harry or be a goof with Louis. He missed his old life and he’d always want it back. Most of all, he wanted to be able to see the guys before they left for the tour and they’d be gone for months. The tour he was supposed to be going on with them.

That night, Niall lay on the sofa, his head down on Harry’s lap as they watched a movie. He felt Harry’s hand sliding through his hair and it was oddly comforting. He’d returned from vomiting earlier and Harry was coddling him there on the sofa as a movie played on the screen. Of course, the other girls were with their boyfriends but the conversation had swayed to Niall as soon as he’d returned from the bathroom. “You look pale,” Zayn observed sadly.

Harry’s hand dropped to his forehead and he said, “Well… I don’t think you don’t have a fever.”

“Maybe it’s some freak thing from the body swap,” Louis said, hoping to lighten the mood.

With a sigh, Harry looked over at the rest because he didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that he was worried about Niall and wanted him to be okay more than anything. Nobody seemed to know what to say and they all glanced between themselves as Niall just breathed, his body curled up in a ball, still so feminine and petite. He avoided everyone else’s eyes, choosing to keep his closed as he let the strange feeling of just having been sick wash over him slowly and then ebb away. But then Eleanor spoke the words that had been on her mind for weeks, and she was one of the only people who even knew enough details about Niall to have the suspicion.

“Maybe he’s pregnant.”

Everyone froze. Niall tensed and felt sick all over again. He wanted to try to say he wasn’t, to tell everyone that she was wrong and there was no way, but he couldn’t. Opening his mouth might mean getting sick. Harry paled and the rest looked around in confusion. Eleanor watched Niall sadly as he rushed to the bathroom again, and she followed. “Should I…?” Harry began.

But she shook her head and gestured for him to stay on the sofa. She followed Niall to the bathroom and ignored the conversation in the living room where Louis was saying that he wanted to ask Niall what sex was like as a girl.

In the bathroom, Niall was crouched over the toilet, contents of his stomach spilling out. He rested on the seat, exhausted, once he was finished. He had no way to explain how awful he felt. What’s worse is that if Eleanor was right, he was going to be stuck as a female and he didn’t want that. Niall hated giving up that life in the band even just temporarily, and now that he had the possibility of it being a permanent sacrifice he just wanted to die. “I can’t,” he said sadly, tears welling in his eyes.

“Niall,” Eleanor said sadly, reaching out to pull his hair from his face. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

She led him away from the toilet and flushed it, and she handed him a toothbrush with some toothpaste. He cleaned up his mouth morosely and then looked over at Eleanor sadly. “I can’t be,” he said sadly.

She pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back as she said, “You might be, Niall. And if you are… don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to make sure the baby is healthy?”

Niall didn’t want to be pregnant though. He didn’t want to have to deal with that. Being pregnant meant being fat and not being able to be a guy again. It meant having to be a dad (or maybe a mom?) instead and not being able to go back to the band. It would figure that as soon as his dreams had come true, they’d get taken away from him.

It was hard for Niall to accept, but he knew that Eleanor wouldn’t rest until he at least took a pregnancy test. “I brought you something,” she said softly, rubbing his back. “Wait here, okay?”

His stomach dropped when he realized that she was going to make him take the test right then and there. It was awful and scary and Niall just wasn’t ready to be a parent. When Eleanor returned with a test, she looked at him sadly and said, “You can do it, Ni. For all we know, it could be a negative and you’re just fine.”

Niall frowned but nodded. “I’m going to go out with the rest of them. You just… come out when you’re ready, okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Niall said. He felt constricted, out of breath even, and he certainly didn’t feel well. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” she smiled at him reassuringly.

Eleanor left the room and returned to the living room where everyone else was waiting expectantly. “He’s just got to take some time for himself,” she said softly as she sat down next to Louis and fell into his arms. “He said he’d be out when he’s feeling a bit better.”

The worry never left their faces, but they accepted Eleanor’s words and turned their attention back to the movie that was playing in the background.

Back in the bathroom, Niall stared down at the box like it was his worst enemy. If this was what girls went through, he’d never have sex with them again. The whole experience was souring so many things for him. He never wanted to be a girl, and even though Harry had made it great Niall just didn’t feel like having sex in a girl’s body again. Plus, he was really becoming sick and tired of having to wear so many clothes all the time just to look like a normal girl. He wanted to chop off his hair, to stop running and stop wearing makeup, but he didn’t want to risk something else going wrong after he’d woken up a girl.

Slowly, Niall used one of his slim fingers to open the box, and he slid the test out along with some instructions. He didn’t want to take it, but the sooner he peed on the stick, the sooner he’d know. Awkwardly, Niall slid the test down between his legs and did what the instructions said to do. He slipped the cap on the end and set the timer on his phone.

As he waited, he felt more tears threatening to fall. The whole situation was terrifying and unwanted and he wasn’t ready for any of the things he was experiencing. He didn’t think he ever would be, quite honestly. It was all so new and foreign and _terrifying_ and he didn’t know how to handle it. The seconds seemed to drag on forever and Niall didn’t know how to describe how helpless and horrible he felt. It was scary that the situation was even happening in the first place.

Tears slid down his cheeks as he saw the timer on his phone count down to nothing. Time was up. Niall’s heart was pounding out of his chest and he was already crying, regardless of the outcome. He double-checked the instructions on the package and cemented in his head that yes, a plus sign meant pregnant. Terrified, he flipped over the stick. His eyes flew to the results slot and he spotted the answer: A plus sign. _Pregnant_.

Niall didn’t hold back as he began to sob. He set the stick down and crawled over to the bed and curled in on himself. Tears streaked down his cheeks and he didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. He was angry with Harry for not pulling out or using a condom, he was upset with Eleanor for making him take the test, and most of all he was angry at whatever higher power decided to curse him with a woman’s body in the first place. He was content being a guy. He wasn’t a womanizer or anything like that; he was just silly Irish Niall.

But now he was a girl. He was Niall the Pregnant Girl and he didn’t know how he was going to do this. It was hard for him to even comprehend how he was going to get through this. His upbringing had long since cemented this idea in his head that there was no _taking care of it_ , there was just adoption or having the child and keeping it – but either way he’d have to stay a female and develop this baby inside of him and let it grow and worst of all, he’d have to give birth to it.

Niall was scared and angry and overwhelmed and he couldn’t contain any of his emotions. It was hard for him to do much of anything other than sob uncontrollably. He cried for what felt like forever. Niall cried until his chest ached and his eyes and face were puffy and he just wanted to die. He’d never asked for this.

The emotions were almost more than he could handle, but he’d promised Eleanor he’d go back out eventually. Niall took a deep breath and walked slowly out of the room, wiping at his face as he settled down on the couch and rested his head down on Harry’s lap again, pointedly avoiding everyone’s eyes. Eleanor caught on right away, and she cooed softly, “Oh, Niall…”

Harry’s throat seemed to constrict and he just stared down at the curled up, crying person down in front of him. He was great with Lux, and he knew that he’d be a good father, but… not at his age. He didn’t want to be a dad when he was so young and so caught up in his career. But he couldn’t just ditch Niall. Niall was in a strange body, just getting used to everything, and now here he was: pregnant.

As soon as he heard Eleanor’s voice, Niall wanted to sink into the floor and die. “So… you’re stuck as a girl, then?” Louis asked.

Zayn hissed at Louis and glanced over at Niall, who was unmoving. Harry was still shocked, unable to move on the sofa, and he just left his hand resting on Niall’s shoulder helplessly. Niall couldn’t hold back the tears and he felt them slipping down his cheeks again, and he didn’t want to speak to anyone. Niall didn’t even know why he’d walked back out there to be around everyone. It was embarrassing. He felt like a slut, like he’d screwed up, and worst of all he felt like he’d let everyone down.

So many horrible feelings were coursing through Niall that he just didn’t want to be there anymore. It was the worst feeling and he couldn’t shake it. “I… I should go,” he muttered softly.

He stood up, still not used to the odd way his hips moved as he walked. At least now he knew why his pants weren’t really fitting right. Even though he’d just bought them, the slight bloat to his stomach could be explained – he just didn’t like the explanation. “Niall, no, wait,” Liam pleaded.

“No,” he said over his shoulder as he walked towards the door.

And then it sounded like a stampede behind him and Niall froze. He didn’t know what was happening, and within seconds he was engulfed in a million embraces. All seven of them rushed towards Niall and reached out, hugging him and holding him and showing their support. But it didn’t help. Niall knew it wouldn’t help no matter what they said because he was upset, and he was hurt, and there was no erasing this mistake. Even Harry, who looked shocked and terrified, was out there hugging him and holding him. Tears still streamed down Niall’s cheeks and he tried not to shout, but he really wanted to be alone. However, he knew that his friends were trying to be supportive.

He accepted their hugs and he couldn’t bring himself to meet Harry’s eyes. “It’s going to be okay,” Eleanor had whispered in his ear when she hugged him.

“I can’t wait to buy baby clothes!” Perrie had said with a grin.

But more than anything, Niall just tried to ignore the words resounding in his head that came out of Louis’s mouth: “Just what all the fans wanted! A One Direction baby!”

One Direction. Niall had effectively ruined that band by one little experiment in his new body. If he had just left well enough alone, maybe things would have changed and he wouldn’t have become this treacherous mother, this body he didn’t want to be in. It was so conflicting and now he knew he’d never be able to be a part of the band again.

Devastated, Niall stepped away from everyone after a few moments and he said, “Thanks. I um… I really should be going, though. I’ll text later.”

Nobody argued, and they let him walk out the door on his own, out towards his car where a few tears fell freely down his cheeks as he walked. It was dangerous to drive like that, crying while he was behind the wheel, but Niall couldn’t stop the flow of tears and he desperately wanted to be alone. Besides, he had the fleeting thought that maybe if something happened on the drive home as a result, it would make everything better.

Much to his distaste he arrived at home unscathed and he walked up to his apartment as quickly as possible. Once in there, he locked the door, slid the chain through the slider to secure the lock, and retreated to his bedroom.

And once he curled up under the blankets, he didn’t move. Niall didn’t want to even acknowledge his existence, let alone that of the child inside of him. Niall didn’t want to do anything at all.


	3. Chapter 3

After he had left, Harry felt this nagging feeling inside of him, like he should have followed Niall home or offered to drive him home just in case. But he was too scared to do anything. Harry didn’t know how to act or what to do. “Now, we know Niall is preggers but who’s the father?” Louis asked with amusement.

Eleanor glanced over at Harry just barely, but Liam caught the tick and he asked, “Harry? Really?”

Harry paled and his attention was drawn over to the conversation. “Huh?” he asked. “Oh, uh… yeah. We thought it might make him switch back. Dunno, really.”

All of the others could tell that Harry wasn’t himself. The shock was setting in and Harry really didn’t know how to take in news like that. Harry felt like he was at a complete loss. Niall wouldn’t look at him or speak to him, and Harry could have just ruined any chances Niall had of switching back to his male form.

When everyone was leaving for the night, Harry and Louis stood and gave their goodbyes one by one. Eleanor hung back to talk to Harry though. “You should visit him tomorrow,” she suggested. “Make sure he’s okay. Maybe suggest he see a doctor? You’ll want to make sure the baby is alright.”

Harry frowned. It felt too overwhelming. This was a lot of responsibility and he was only a teenager after all. But he nodded and knew that he’d have to do something, or say something, to make sure that Niall and the baby were going to be okay. Once Eleanor left, Louis looked over at Harry and gave him a forced smile. “Well, the baby can’t sleep here,” he said simply. “It’ll cry and keep me up at night and I need my beauty sleep.”

That only made Harry’s frown grow, but then Louis shook his head and said, “I’m kidding, Haz. Whatever you need to do, I support you. Both of you. This is a fucked up situation but we’ll get through this. And hopefully Niall can be a man again because we need him back in the band. It’s not the same without him.”

Harry nodded. He missed Niall’s presence in the band more than anything else. They weren’t One Direction without him. It was painful for Harry to watch all of Niall’s dreams get taken away from him so quickly and he didn’t know how he could possibly fix things now that he’d only made them worse than they had been before.

It was why the next morning he was at Niall’s door before dawn, carting bags full of groceries. He rang the doorbell repeatedly, not even worried about making Niall angry because he knew he’d fix it all eventually. Harry had that way about him and he’d begun to realize it; even when he didn’t think he could help, he could. Something about his smile or his embrace always seemed to at least calm people down and get them to think more rationally.

Niall arrived at the door nearly five minutes after Harry had started ringing the doorbell, and he opened it with an irritated expression on his face. “Hi,” Harry said nervously, a small smile on his lips.

Niall made to slam the door in Harry’s face, but Harry wouldn’t let him. He pushed his way through and then went straight to the kitchen. Niall wandered in slowly, a pair of boxers on his hips and a plain tank top over his slender female body. He was bare footed and Harry could see that the girls had talked him into painting his nails. He looked beautiful, even with his hair all mussed up. Niall struggled to pull it back into a ponytail as Harry unloaded all the groceries around the kitchen and began making breakfast, and Niall just asked, “What are you doing?”

“I’m here for you,” Harry said simply.

He started whisking the eggs first while the frying pans heated up, and on a cutting board he moved on to slicing a tomato, a bit of broccoli, and cubing some cheeses as well. “But why?” Niall asked again.

Harry poured the egg mixture into two frying pans on the stove, and then sprinkled in the cheese, broccoli, and tomato before he left them on a medium heat and wandered over to Niall. “Because I’m not going to just leave you after what I did. You’re in this mess because of me and I don’t want you to have to go it alone,” Harry confessed softly. “You’re still one of my best mates and even though this is all a bit weird, we can get through it.”

Niall looked like he was going to cry again. His blue eyes were watering and his lower lip was trembling and Niall cursed his female body for reacting in this way. He assumed it was hormones or something like that, but he collapsed into Harry’s arms, still sobbing. The situation was beyond _weird_. It was terrifying and confusing and it was not what Niall had ever wanted to experience, ever. “Hey, it’s okay, Niall,” Harry whispered as he held this new feminine body of Niall’s. “I’m here. It’s going to be okay.”

But hearing Niall’s sobs only tugged at Harry’s heartstrings and it made his eyes well with tears too. He didn’t know how to contain this unbearable sadness and fear and apparently neither could Niall. So he let his tears fall silently down his cheeks and he held Niall there in the kitchen. Harry held him until he could smell the omelets and knew that they had to be checked on.

He kissed the top of Niall’s head and then leaned back so he could look at him properly. “How about you go climb back into bed. I’ll finish up breakfast and make us some tea and I’ll be in with the food soon,” Harry suggested.

Niall’s eyes were so clouded with tears he couldn’t really tell if Harry had been crying too, but he hoped that he hadn’t been. Niall didn’t want anyone else to feel as terrible as he did. He nodded at Harry’s suggestion and wandered down the hallway to his room. Underneath the covers, Niall let himself cry again, this time from a mixture of fear and relief. While he was beyond terrified of what was going to happen to him in this new body, he was just glad that Harry hadn’t been scared away. Harry was going to be a great father and Niall knew he was lucky to at least have this connection to such a great guy – but it still wasn’t a good feeling. Being pregnant was this horrible sinking feeling in his gut that told him he’d really screwed up, and that he had no self-control. Every negative stigma of being pregnant at his age flooded to his mind and he cried and cried until Harry walked into the room.

Harry had found Niall’s breakfast tray and it carried two plates and two teacups. He set the tray down on the bed and climbed up next to Niall. It broke Harry’s heart to see his band mate so upset but he didn’t know how he could possibly make it any better. “Tuck in,” Harry said softly. “We’ll eat and then we can lie around playing video games just like old times.”

He offered a tissue to Niall and hoped that at least a single shred of his efforts was helping Niall in the least. Harry’s heart literally ached with each glance at Niall’s puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Niall ate slowly, but he ate the entire omelet. At least in this new body Niall still had his appetite. Once they had finished eating, Harry set the tray aside and climbed back into bed with Niall. “C’mere,” He said softly.

Harry reached out and pulled Niall into his arms. Niall rolled towards him easily, too upset to really protest. It didn’t feel as strange as it once had, cuddling up to Harry. It was like Harry was his only respite in this whole mess; his one constant that kept him grounded. “I don’t want to be a parent,” Niall confessed softly.

Harry frowned. If Niall didn’t want this, did that mean that he’d go and “take care of it”? Harry looked down at Niall and rubbed his back as he asked, “Do you want me to make you an appointment? We can take care of this.”

But Harry’s voice was strained and it was painfully obvious that Harry didn’t want that. Harry formed attachments to the ones he cared about and he’d already formed an attachment to this baby whether he was aware of it or not. He found himself wondering if it was a boy or girl, and if the baby would look like him or Niall. “No, I can’t,” Niall said sadly. “’s not right.”

Harry nodded. He understood now. Niall couldn’t do that. He wasn’t raised to do that. Niall could be progressive and forward thinking about so many things, but sometimes his upbringing kept him from doing other things. “So… adoption then?” Harry asked sadly.

Niall frowned and looked up at Harry tearfully. “You don’t want that,” he said simply.

“This isn’t about me,” Harry said sadly. “You’re the one looking at another seven months as a girl, growing a baby inside of you.”

“I’m going to be stuck as a girl no matter what. We both know that,” he said bitterly, and Harry was surprised by the outburst. Niall shrunk back in on himself and sighed. “I just… I don’t want you to be miserable. I’ve done enough by ruining the band. I wouldn’t want to ruin the next eighteen years of your life as well.”

Harry looked down at Niall with a frown. “Niall… this… this isn’t going to ruin my life,” Harry said simply. “Babies are miracles. It’s a bit dodgy with the timing but we could make it work. Without you the band just doesn’t work anyway.”

“The band will _not_ break up because of me,” Niall said firmly.

“I never said we’d stop doing what we love. It’s just that we wouldn’t be doing it together,” Harry explained, but the thought of breaking up the band really hurt.

“No. No, no, no, you are _not_ doing that Harry Styles. No,” Niall freaked out, climbing out of bed.

He started pacing and Harry didn’t know why what he’d said was so bad. It was the truth – the band wasn’t the same without Niall. Plus now that they all had that exposure, they could do solo projects and reunion shows and go on to lead amazing lives without having the group. It would be hard to do but everyone would understand. “I’m sorry,” Harry pleaded from where he sat in the bed. “Niall, please, just sit down. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

Niall turned to face Harry again and he pointed his finger angrily as he said, “The band is _not_ breaking up. I – I’d leave the band before I’d let that happen!”

Harry just nodded. He hadn’t meant to set Niall off like that but all he could do now was hope that everything would work out for the better and it wouldn’t come to that. Niall looked like he was freaking out over more than just the band, and Harry scrambled out of the bed. “I’m sorry. Niall, I’m sorry, just… breathe, calm down… relax,” Harry insisted.

He reached out to rub Niall’s back and shoulder again, not quite sure how to get his friend to calm down entirely. Niall was just frowning and he didn’t look very happy. “Let’s call a doctor okay?” Harry suggested. “We should get you on the medicines and vitamins and all of that. If anything, we can… if you want we can give the baby up for adoption. We can bring you back into the group as a girl if we need to. I will fix this, I swear.”

Niall looked up at Harry, his eyes still watery. It was strange how much like Niall he still looked even in this new body. Harry noticed that he smelled differently, like one of those fancy girls’ perfumes Harry always enjoyed, and he walked differently and wasn’t even the same height, but it was still that same goofy Niall he’d met during the X-Factor that he was standing in front of that day. “Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll make you an appointment,” Harry suggested. “Take your time… just relax while you’re in there.”

Niall nodded and grumbled something about taking a bath right after so he could shave his legs and Harry raised his eyebrows as Niall walked away. He was really falling into that whole living like a girl routine. Niall didn’t seem as awkward about wearing girls’ clothes now that he had been in his female body for two months, but Harry could still tell that everything was really difficult for him. It was all mental now – Niall was trying to make sense of it all in his head. It had been easier for the rest since it hadn’t happened to them, but Harry wanted it to be okay in Niall’s head as well.

When he heard the water running in the bathroom, Harry walked out to the kitchen to clean up from breakfast. He put their dishes away in the dishwasher along with all of the pans and such that he’d dirtied while preparing food for Niall. Once he’d finished that, Harry went to the phone book to find a doctor that he could call. He didn’t know which one to choose, so he thought it best to ask management where they should go. They needed to find somewhere discreet. Somewhere that wouldn’t laugh in their faces at the explanation (or lack thereof) of Niall’s gender switch.

After getting a phone number from management, Harry dialed them and set up an appointment for Niall later that day with someone named Dr. Carrington. He was assured that the doctor was very good; she would be discreet and understanding of Niall’s situation.

It was nearly an hour and a half later when Niall emerged from the bathroom. His hair had been dried and straightened and while he was only wearing mascara, it did a wonder to make him look a lot less like he’d been sobbing so much lately. He was wearing simple denim skinny jeans and some Converse, and a black top with a sloppily printed British flag on it. Harry froze when he saw Niall walk out in that outfit. “Um, is this okay?” Niall asked. “What’s going on?”

Harry walked towards Niall and just grinned. “You’re cute,” he said simply. He took Niall’s hand and led him towards the living room in the apartment. “I made you an appointment for today. Don’t worry about a thing, okay?”

“But…” Niall tried to protest. He didn’t want to see a doctor yet. That would make it so real.

“We should take care of your body and the baby, that’s all,” Harry said softly. “If you want to put the baby up for adoption, the couple will probably want to make sure that you’re on all the… vitamin things and all that or something.”

“Harry, I never said…” Niall began, but he frowned. He didn’t know if he could say it out loud. Harry just watched him patiently, not pressuring him towards talking at all. If anything, Harry just didn’t want to get his hopes up that he knew what Niall was going to say. “I don’t know what I want to do with the baby yet,” Niall finished with a sigh.

Harry nodded and knew that it was better than giving up the child that he was getting more attached to by the second. They sat around the living room and played video games for a while, not really talking about the baby or the appointment that afternoon or anything. Instead they just played in silence. At least as the game went on, Niall seemed to smile a little. Harry hadn’t seen him smile much since he’d become a girl and it was a really great feeling knowing that he’d been the one to help put that smile there.

When Harry checked his watch and saw that it was time that they drove to the doctor’s appointment, he reluctantly hit the pause button and turned to face Niall. “No,” Niall said softly, but he set the controller down so he could go with Harry. He knew he couldn’t fight it.

Harry took hold of Niall’s hand, and he held it during the entire drive and even as they sat in the lobby of the office. Just as promised it was a very private, discreet doctor’s office. At first Harry thought that people would stare because they were holding hands, but he’d forgotten that Niall was still in his female body. Even though Harry knew that mentally they were two guys holding hands, to the rest of the world they looked like a simple guy and girl holding hands instead. It should all be the same and Harry knew it; no certain combination of two people should draw extra attention, but it happened anyway.

When Niall’s name was called, they walked back into a private room with the nurse. The nurse took all of Niall’s vitals and measurements – his blood pressure, height, weight, and more – and then had him lay down on a table next to a machine. Niall was extremely nervous. Before leaving, the nurse pushed a chair over for Harry to sit on. It was on the other side of Niall from the machine, and Niall reached out to grab Harry’s hand as soon as he sat down. Niall lay back on the cot with his eyes closed and waited for the worst.

When the nurse entered the room, she walked over to sit down in a chair next to the machine. She was young, and very beautiful, and she looked at Niall the same way any doctor would look at their patient. Even though she knew that he was essentially a medical anomaly, she didn’t let on. “Hello you two! My name is Ella Carrington. How are you feeling, Niall?” she asked, as though calling a female by a male’s name was no big deal.

‘’m okay,” Niall replied softly.

“How has the pregnancy been so far? Have you been experiencing any symptoms? Any pains?” she continued.

Niall didn’t understand how she could discuss this so casually with him when she knew what was wrong with him. “Uh… it’s been okay I guess,” he confessed. “I get sick sometimes but it’s nothing unbearable.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear that,” she smiled at him. “And who is this you’ve brought with you today?”

Niall glanced over at Harry for the first time since they’d left his apartment, and he swallowed hard. “He’s um… he’s the father,” he said nervously.

“Harry,” Harry supplied kindly.

“Yeah, Harry,” Niall added, embarrassed that he’d forgotten to include his name, which was obviously what she wanted to know in the first place.

“It’s nice to meet you both,” Dr. Carrington said politely. She turned on the machine and then looked over at the two of them. “Are you ready to see your baby?”

Niall just gripped Harry’s hand tighter and didn’t say a word. But Harry looked at the doctor and nodded politely. “Yeah, we’re… we’re as ready as we’ll ever be,” he said bravely.

He glanced down at Niall to offer him a reassuring smile, but Niall had his eyes closed and he was just trying to steady his breathing and his heart. This was it. Seeing the baby would make it all way too realistic. It was more than he was ready for, but he couldn’t hide from it any longer.

Dr. Carrington shut the lights off from a handy switch on her machine next, and then she said, “I’ll just need you to lift up your shirt and relax your body. Can you do that for me Niall?”

Each word that came from her mouth was so kind and gentle; it was almost as if she understood his fear completely. Niall took a deep breath before he even let his free hand drop to the hem of his shirt, but she let him take his time. Harry just held his other hand in hopes of being a comfort to him. Slowly he slid his shirt up and revealed the puffy, pale stomach. He hadn’t felt as thin as he had been that first moment he woke up a girl, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it now.

Dr. Carrington squeezed some cold gel out on his stomach and he winced, but Harry never let go of his hand. Harry was fascinated by everything and he was watching with wide, innocent eyes, but Niall looked absolutely terrified. The doctor slid a little wand over his stomach, spreading the gel and bringing an image up on the screen of the machine. Harry glanced down at Niall because more than wanting to see the child, he wanted to see Niall’s face when _he_ saw the child. It was the same sort of thing like wanting to watch the groom’s face instead of the bride’s as she walked down the aisle during a wedding. Harry just liked looking at the moments that always seemed underappreciated.

Dr. Carrington searched around, but when she saw the image, she paused and said, “There’s your baby, Niall.” She pointed to the screen and said, “There’s the head, and you can see the body right there. It’s still early in the developing process, but you’re progressing very well. I would say that you’re nearing eleven weeks.”

Niall turned his head slowly to face the screen, and he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He couldn’t breathe. Right there on that screen he could see the small little peanut sized person growing within his body. It was amazing and scary and it filled him with a million emotions. He felt tears filling his eyes and he couldn’t figure out why he was getting so emotional, especially because Niall didn’t feel upset. The tears were something else – they were… happiness, almost. That baby was the biggest miracle in the world.

Slowly Harry tore his eyes from the sight of Niall looking happy for the first time since this all happened, and he looked up at the screen to see the little bulb on the screen. Dr. Carrington pointed out the body and the head again, and Harry just stared in shock for a moment. A smile crept upon his face and he pointed to the screen as he said softly, “That’s our child…” He clapped his hand over his mouth as he grinned. He couldn’t help it, even if Niall was unhappy. “Oh my god,” he said happily.

Dr. Carrington seemed to notice the way the mood changed in the room, because her smile grew as well. Harry looked down at Niall, and he couldn’t hold back. He leaned in to kiss Niall softly as the doctor printed out the image and shut off the machine. She wiped off Niall’s stomach so he could let the shirt drop, and when Harry broke the kiss, they both stared at each other for a moment in surprise.

The doctor went about the room, giving them privacy for a moment. She turned the lights on, picked up their printed portraits of the ultrasound, and that was about when Harry leaned back and let out an awkward cough, trying to break the silence. Niall sat up and pushed his hair out of his face. He took the images from the doctor and then asked her what he should be taking. The doctor wrote down some recommended vitamins and said that he was on track and progressing well. She suggested that he come in after a few weeks for a sixteen week appointment.

Niall took the paper with the vitamin names on it, and he piled that with the pictures of the baby. His heart was pounding hard in his chest and he felt kind of like he was going to pass out. He didn’t say a word as he sat down in the car, and Harry drove Niall back to his apartment with a big grin on his face. It was all so much more real now. He was afraid to tell his family but he was excited at the same time.

When he parked outside of Niall’s apartment, he turned to look at him. Niall’s brain had been caught in his thoughts the whole time. From the baby to the fact that Harry had _kissed_ him at the sight of their baby – he didn’t know what to make of it. Niall noticed eyes on him after a few moments, and he turned to face Harry slowly. Harry couldn’t help but smile. “I should go…” Niall said softly.

He climbed out of Harry’s car and Harry followed. They weren’t done yet. Harry wanted to talk to Niall and maybe get a copy of the picture. “Niall, wait!” Harry called out after him.

Niall turned around to look at Harry but he looked torn and confused. “What do you want, Harry? I just want to rest. I need to think,” he said desperately.

Harry walked over to him and said sadly, “Please don’t push me away. I want to talk to you. We can figure out what we’re going to do, and…”

Seeing the baby had been one thing but having Harry there in front of him trying to make this into some big family affair was entirely another, and it was something he wasn’t prepared for. What Niall wanted was to call Eleanor and try to rest and maybe eat a ton of junk food. He wanted Harry to leave him alone and let him think.  “Harry, I don’t want to play happy family right now!” Niall shouted.

Harry froze at Niall’s words. They stung. They really hurt because Harry was trying really hard to be a good guy but Niall wasn’t going to let him do that. With a frown, Harry stepped backwards and away from Niall.

The hurt on Harry’s face broke Niall’s heart. He could feel the ache radiating through his chest, resonating within him. He rarely saw Harry so upset but those words must have had more of an effect than Niall had thought they would. “Harry!” he shouted.

Niall ran towards Harry and reached up to pull him into a kiss, almost frantic in his motions. Harry didn’t know what to think of it, and he just stared at Niall when the kiss broke. Niall looked sad and apologetic and he wished he could find words. Instead he just held out one of the ultrasound photos to Harry. It took him a moment, but Harry eventually reached out to take hold of it. “Thanks,” he said softly, his voice cracking.

Niall just nodded and paused for another moment before he walked away and into his apartment, leaving Harry there on his own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I know Niall seems a bit out of character, but please keep in mind that he's very hormonal and very pregnant. I promise you that he'll begin to come to his senses! We just need Daddy Direction to come in ;)

After that doctor’s appointment with Harry, Niall couldn’t bring himself to leave his flat for much of anything. He’d go get food with Eleanor, or he’d go shopping with Danielle, and from time to time Perrie would call him, but Niall didn’t really want to talk to any of the guys. Harry called more than the rest of them, but Niall just wasn’t prepared to face this like an adult. What he wanted was to rewind time and fix whatever it was he’d done to make karma hate him so much and get revenge on him.

Eleanor was quickly becoming his best friend. She was so kind and caring and understanding, and now that winter was giving way to spring and Niall was nearing the half-way point on his pregnancy, she kept suggesting that he let Harry in. She’d thought about bringing Harry over several times, but she didn’t want to violate the trust Niall had put in her.

She accompanied Niall to his next appointment at sixteen weeks, and the next one they scheduled would be when he could find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. “Are you going to find out?” Eleanor asked as she drove herself and Niall back to his flat.

“I don’t know,” Niall said sadly.

He hated the way his body looked now that he was pregnant and showing. On other women he always thought it was some miracle, something that was a little strange but mostly beautiful, but now on him he wasn’t so sure it was anything but a bad sign. “Have you decided if you’re keeping the baby?” Eleanor asked.

She always had that way about her – even the invasive questions such as the one she’d just asked didn’t seem quite so bad because her voice was always so calm and soothing. Plus, she never referred to the baby as ‘it’, Niall noticed. He always did because he didn’t want to get attached. But she always called it ‘the baby’ and it was odd for Niall.

“I don’t know yet.”

Eleanor glanced over at Niall and then turned back to face the road. She didn’t want to push the matter too much. The last thing she needed was to fight with him about it. When they arrived at his flat, she walked upstairs with him and even though she wanted to advise him to eat something healthy, she didn’t. She just let him order the pizzas online for them to eat for dinner, and then sat down on the sofa right next to him.

Eleanor leaned over and rested her head on Niall’s shoulder. “You’re going to have to decide what you’re doing soon, Ni,” she said softly.

Niall sighed and frowned. He knew that she had a point but the longer he went without acknowledging that he was pregnant, the happier he seemed to be. But there was a baby bump and Perrie was sending him cute designer maternity clothes and Niall couldn’t stop ignoring it anymore. “I… I can’t…” Niall began. He frowned and he shook his head as he felt Eleanor’s calm gaze on him. “I can’t give it up.”

Eleanor was really surprised by what Niall had said. He looked over at her sadly and she just widened her eyes. “Really?” she asked.

Niall took a deep breath. He didn’t know how really explain why, but he just knew in his heart that he couldn’t keep denying that this baby was his. Niall rested his head back on the sofa cushions and sighed. “I can’t do it. I… I don’t want to do it,” Niall frowned. “If it looks like Harry it’ll be this big thing with the press and he’ll get bad attention and it would mean telling people what happened to me and I don’t trust anyone even when they say they won’t tell the press and like…” Niall trailed off. “I’d rather just be that random girl he knocked up anyway.”

“You know he thinks a lot more of you than that,” Eleanor pointed out.

“I know. But the press is going to get a hold of this story eventually. You know it will happen,” Niall said sadly.

Eleanor understood Niall’s point, but she didn’t want the press to determine the rest of Niall’s future. “Niall, you have to remember though that you have so many people that would be willing to help you with this,” she said softly. “What about your family? Haven’t you heard of some parents or siblings taking in their family members’ child to make sure that child had a good life? The press thinks nothing of that. I don’t want them to tell you how to live your life. This is the rest of your life, Niall. Don’t leave it to those people that can’t keep their noses out of anyone else’s business.”

Niall frowned. He nodded, but he still didn’t know how he could possibly fix the situation and hide it from the press. After his parents had found out about his impromptu gender change, he doubted they’d accept that he was also pregnant. That would also mean they wouldn’t want to take in a child to save him the embarrassment in the press.

He had no idea how he was going to go about it; all Niall knew was that there was no way he could just say goodbye to a child. He couldn’t imagine doing such a thing. Sure, there were ways around it like not looking at the kid and stuff, but that didn’t seem possible. “Maybe I can figure something out for you,” Eleanor suggested. She’d do anything for Niall – they’d become like best friends.

Niall nodded but didn’t really want to think about it anymore. He focused more on the movie they’d put in, the empty box of pizza shoved down onto the floor as they curled up together.

Even just lying there on the sofa felt strange to Niall now. He was thin and petite and his rounding belly ended up becoming a perch for his hands on more than one occasion. His blonde hair was long and fell in waves over his shoulders, and he had half-chipped nail polish on his fingernails. Slowly, he was beginning to embrace being in this body because he knew there was nothing else he could do. He sighed and said, “Maybe I’ll just have to get used to being in this body and being Harry’s secret stay at home baby mama. That’s all my life is going to come to.”

Eleanor frowned. “You’re going to have an amazing future ahead of you no matter what you choose, Niall,” she said softly. She took his hand in her own and gave it a squeeze. “I won’t let you give everything up for the baby.”

Niall sighed and glanced over to Eleanor. He wasn’t so sure.

But Eleanor was determined to prove that she could give Niall that life he wanted while still allowing him to have the baby and to have to worry about giving it up. The pain would be too much for Niall and she could understand that.

She accepted Louis’s invitation to spend time with them before they began their tour, and she showed up at his apartment right when Louis had invited him. “Where is everyone?” she asked as she glanced around at the empty apartment.

Eleanor had been told that the others would be there as well – except for Niall, who refused to go or answer anyone’s phone calls. “We wanted to talk to you first,” Louis said as he kissed her forehead sweetly. “Come in.”

Harry looked nervous, and Louis held her hand as he led her into the flat. She sat down on the sofa and asked, “So… what is it you wanted to talk about?”

But she already knew what they wanted to talk about. They wanted to talk about Niall and the baby and the pregnancy because Niall was shutting them all out. “Niall,” Louis said simply.

“I miss him,” Harry confessed softly. “I last saw him at his twelve week appointment. He won’t talk to me and he won’t answer my phone calls. I mean… is he okay?”

Harry looked at Eleanor, desperate and sad and a million other emotions that made her heart ache. “He’s fine,” she nodded slowly. “He’s… having trouble deciding just what he’s going to do with the baby.”

Even Louis seemed to be saddened and affected by the situation even though he wasn’t directly involved. But he could see how much it was hurting Harry to be thrown at a distance and he really wanted to try to fix it for him. “What’s worrying him?” Louis asked.

Eleanor frowned. “He’s afraid of what the press will think more than anything,” she explained. “He doesn’t want to just be known as Harry’s baby mama, and he doesn’t want to give you guys a bad reputation. He doesn’t want to hold the band back and he’s afraid that it will give you guys bad press.”

Harry shook his head and said, “That’s not possible. I can handle this.”

“Harry…” Louis cut in. He’d seen how much little bits of bullying online had hurt Harry. A full on critique of not just Harry, but Niall as a result of Harry’s actions _and_ his child would be too much for him. “I don’t think you can, mate.”

That put a thick frown on Harry’s face. He really thought he could, but Louis knew him better than he knew himself sometimes. “I suggested that maybe he have a family member take in the child as their own, but he doesn’t think his family would do that for him,” she said softly.

Harry looked up at that. He looked over at Eleanor because he had an idea. “What are you thinking, Harry?” Louis asked.

But before Harry could say a word or explain his thoughts – or even work out what he wanted to do – the doorbell rang. As usual, Liam was early. “This isn’t over,” Louis said, pointing his finger at Harry.

Thankfully Harry managed to fall asleep during their movie night and they had appointments all day the next day. Louis didn’t have a single moment to approach Harry about what he’d been thinking through in his mind. What’s more is that Harry didn’t come home that night or the night immediately following. It was as though Harry fell off the face of the earth in favor of working out what could very well be an insane, crazy plan that wasn’t going to work.

It wasn’t until week eighteen that Harry decided to stop trying to call Niall. Instead, he just barged into his flat, glad that the doors were unlocked. When he wandered through the flat, he couldn’t find Niall anywhere. Until he wandered back into his bedroom and saw Niall standing in front of the mirror. His belly was curved outward and Niall’s hands were running slowly over it. He wore shorts and a simple sports bra and his hair fell down in waves over his shoulders, but his eyes were focused on his belly as his hands ran over it. Niall glanced over and saw in the reflection that Harry was standing in the doorway. “Get out!” Niall shouted, embarrassed.

Harry bolted down the hallway and out of Niall’s sight. He hadn’t been meaning to intrude like that. As he stood in the hallway against the wall, he just kept running over the thought of what he’d seen. Niall looked so beautiful like that, feminine and pregnant and _glowing_. Niall stood in his room feeling very shocked and a little bit violated as he tugged a shirt on over his body.

He stormed out of his room towards wherever Harry was hiding, and when he found him, he glared at him and asked, “What are you playing at!? Ever heard of a _doorbell_!?”

Harry shrunk in on himself and said, “Y-you wouldn’t answer my phone calls or text messages. I wanted to talk to you and make sure you were okay and…”

“No! If I don’t answer it means I don’t want to talk to you!” Niall shouted angrily as he stormed into the kitchen to start scooping himself a bowl of ice cream.

Harry followed and he looked at Niall with a frown. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve being shut out like this. “Niall, why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? I don’t understand,” Harry confessed, defeated.

Niall shoved a big spoonful of ice cream into his mouth and glared at Harry before he wandered into the living room. Harry followed and he stood right in front of Niall so he couldn’t turn on the television, something Harry knew full well was coming next. He knew Niall enough to know how he tuned other people out. “Niall, I have a plan!” he shouted. “Someone else is going to raise the baby as their own!”

Niall froze. He looked up at Harry and his spoon clattered into his bowl. “Who told you I want to do that?” he asked.

Harry frowned. “It’s just that I heard you were considering it and I found someone that would be willing… they would do it for us,” Harry explained. “We could help her pay for things but she’d claim the baby as her own.”

“Who?” Niall tested. He didn’t really believe what Harry was saying. It was too good to be true.

Harry sighed and relaxed all of his muscles as he dropped his arms to his side. He looked down at Niall and said softly, “My sister Gemma.”

Niall just stared up at Harry in shock. He knew that Gemma was a sweet girl, but he also knew that she was studying to be a lawyer and she had a lot going on in her life. How was she possibly going to raise a baby that wasn’t even hers? Niall shook his head and sighed. “No. I couldn’t do that to her,” he replied.

Harry sat down next to Niall and he looked over at him sadly. “I don’t want to either. But it will keep everything out of the presses if that’s what you really want,” Harry explained. He scooted closer to Niall and took his hand as he said, “I don’t care what they say about me. I really don’t. Because this is so much more than what a few idiots say online. This is you and the baby and… we’re going to have a family, Niall.”

Niall didn’t know what to make of it all. Because on one side, he wanted to do this; he wanted a family and a relationship. But on the opposite side of it all he just really wanted to go back to being a male and being in the band. “I don’t know what I want to do,” Niall confessed. “That’s really nice of her but I don’t know if I can accept.”

Harry nodded. He wasn’t going to pressure Niall into anything. “I just want you to know that I will raise this baby with you if that’s what you want. I’ll work out adoptive parents with you or we can work the baby into the family somehow,” Harry said desperately. “I’d do anything you wanted, Niall. _Anything_. I love you and I want you to be happy.”

But then the words hung over them, heavy and thick, and Harry couldn’t take them back. He bit his lip as he realized what he’d just confessed without even trying, and Niall couldn’t figure out why on Earth Harry had said those words. He frowned and looked up at Harry. “You don’t love me. You love this baby,” Niall said softly. “There’s a difference, Harry. We had sex and it was a mistake and there’s no… romance there.”

Niall’s words hit Harry like a ton of bricks. The longer they were separated, the more Harry realized that all he wanted was to be around Niall, to have him there to hold and take care of, but he couldn’t have that. Niall wouldn’t let him have a chance at it so he’d convinced himself that Harry was lying. Harry stood up sadly, his eyes wet with emotion and hurt. “It wasn’t a mistake to me,” he said softly. “I mean what I said but I’m sorry for trying I guess.”

Harry looked at Niall and one glance told Niall that he’d just made a _huge_ mistake. But before he could speak and take it back, Harry was out the door and he wasn’t coming back. Harry was going to go on tour in a few short days and Niall wasn’t going to see him for months. He set his melting ice cream aside and nearly jumped out of his skin when the door slammed. Niall burst into tears and reached out to call Eleanor, because he didn’t know who else to call.

Across town Harry stormed into the flat, slamming the door behind him. Louis leapt out of the chair as soon as he heard him, and he followed Harry all the way into Harry’s bedroom. When he walked in, he saw Harry in tears and he didn’t know how to react. “Haz,” Louis said, walking out towards him.

Harry just shook his head and buried his face in his hands. “I can’t win,” he said sadly. He cried out his emotions and hoped that Louis would know what to do. “He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t care what I’m doing to try to help. He wants nothing to do with me.”

Louis frowned and looked at his best friend, not quite sure what to do to help. There was only one idea that came to mind and he knew he had to follow through on it. “I’ll take care of this, Hazza,” Louis said softly, hugging Harry close to his chest and just letting him cry. “Don’t worry. I know just what to do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the wait on this chapter! I had to figure out just how I was going to go about it all :) Thank you so much for reading and as always, I love getting feedback on the story! The next chapter might take a few days as I'm out on vacation for Independence Day, but expect an update shortly after that!

“So are you going to explain to me why you’re at my doorstep at the crack of dawn?”

Liam was rubbing his eyes, the sleep gobbed up and blurring his vision as he struggled to figure out just why he was looking at Louis as the sun was rising out the door behind him. “We’ve got to fix One Direction _now_ ,” Louis said urgently.

Without a word, Liam stepped back and let Louis into his flat. He didn’t know what on earth Louis was on about, but he just hoped he’d be quiet because Danielle was still asleep in his bedroom. “Tea?” he asked, groggy from just waking up.

“Of course,” Louis said as he walked into the flat.

He let himself into the living room and spotted Danielle’s things, and he frowned. He hadn’t meant to interrupt their evening but this was urgent – Danielle would have to understand. Louis knew that there was no better person to fix everything than Liam. Liam was logical, and he understood people on a level that Louis just couldn’t. After a few minutes Liam walked in with two mugs of tea and handed one to Louis before sitting down and taking a sip from his own. “What’s going on, Louis?” Liam asked, his eyes drooping shut.

“This situation with Niall is getting out of control,” he said simply. “I don’t know what to do to fix it. El says that Niall doesn’t know if he’s keeping the baby, but Harry just wants to be there for him and support him. So he asked his sister Gemma to take in the baby to keep it out of the presses because Niall’s got a bug up his arse about what the press will say about the band if they find out that Harry’s got a baby, not to mention what will happen if he doesn’t change back. But Harry made the suggestion to him and Niall must have shot him down because Harry’s been a sobbing wreck and this is a complete disaster.”

Liam tried to keep up with everything, but Louis was speaking quickly for so early in the morning. It was quite difficult to keep up. But when he took in most everything, he just paused and thought about it. A frown settled upon Liam’s lips and he didn’t quite know how to rectify the situation at first. “So Niall hasn’t decided if he’s keeping the baby or putting it up for adoption, but Gemma’s willing to adopt if they still want contact with the baby in a normal situation?” Liam asked for clarification.

Louis nodded. “But apparently darling Nialler said no,” he said, tight-lipped.

Liam nodded and sipped at his tea some more. He didn’t quite know how to approach it at first. The situation was precarious and no doubt unique. “I think…” Liam began slowly. He set his cup of tea down and looked over at Louis seriously, sliding a hand through his hair. “I think before Niall is ever going to love this baby and figure out what he needs to do with it, he needs to love his own body. I mean, think about it… how can you love something your own body is creating and growing if you hate the body that’s doing it? It’s a chain. If he loves his body, he’s going to be more likely to love the child. And _that_ is going to help him figure out what’s best for the child – keeping it or giving it up, and who to give it to if that’s what he decides to do.”

Louis sighed. On the face of it, the idea made a ton of sense. But how on earth were they going to go about it? “Good plan,” Louis said, but he sighed and waved his hand at Liam as he said, “But how do you propose we get him to love his body if he won’t speak to any of us?”

Liam frowned. He looked over at the window and watched a bird fly by before he was startled by a small voice behind him. “I’ve got an idea,” Danielle spoke up as she padded sleepily into the room wearing nothing but one of Liam’s shirts.

Louis and Liam both turned to look at her, and they conceded. She sat down to join them and explained her plan, but putting it into action would be more difficult than they could anticipate. It meant convincing Niall to open his door, convincing Harry to approach Niall again, and more than anything it meant gambling on the fact that Niall and Harry could actually get on in each other’s presence. And more importantly – they wanted to figure things out and make amends before the stadium tour began at the end of April.

Harry was nervous, but he’d talked through the idea with Danielle a thousand times so he knew what he had to do. Niall had promised Liam that he’d let Harry in, but he didn’t know how long he’d let him stay. It all depended on how the conversation went.

Luckily, Niall seemed to be okay and open minded that day. He let Harry in and he offered him a cuppa, and they sat down in the living room to sip at the tea while watching some random shit TV show mindlessly. When Harry finished his tea, he set his cup aside and glanced over at Niall. He was trying to hide his nervousness but that had never been a strong suit of Harry’s. “Nialler, can you come with me for a tic?” Harry asked hopefully.

Niall noticed the slight tremor in Harry’s voice and the way that he seemed just a bit less than confident, but Niall nodded and followed Harry regardless. His back ached just a little as he stood but it wasn’t unbearable; the book Eleanor got him said that it would get far worse before it ever got better. Sometimes Niall could feel the baby move or kick and he certainly couldn’t forget that it was there. Never the less, ever since getting caught by Harry, staring at his reflection in the mirror, Niall hadn’t been fond of using mirrors. The only mirror he used anymore was the one in the bath, because it cut off just below his breasts so there was no baby bump to be seen. The only evidence was his larger set of breasts, growing so he could nurse the baby. That was another thing Niall just didn’t like the thought of.

Harry led Niall towards his bedroom, and he didn’t know quite what was going on. Harry seemed so kind up until that moment; that moment in which he decided to bring things to a more serious level that Niall wasn’t prepared for. “Harry?” Niall asked slowly with trepidation. “What’s going on?”

“I just wanted to have a chat,” he shrugged simply. He wandered through the room and glanced in the mirror. Harry paused to try to shift his shirt, hiding a tummy bump from eating that he was basically imagining; Niall couldn’t figure out what it was Harry was trying to hide. “Y’know… at first when I found out about your whole swap thing… I was jealous.”

Niall just stared at Harry in confusion. “It meant you got a break,” Harry sighed. He turned to Niall almost pitifully and said, “I was so sick of things. I was tired of touring and of being mobbed by fans and I just wanted a _week_ even to just be able to relax. To breathe and do nothing so I could just get back to who I was before this all exploded into what it is today.”

Confused, Niall cocked his head to the side and asked, “You’re unhappy in the band?”

“Not in the least,” Harry said simply, a coy smile dancing upon his lips. “It’s just that after a while it all piles up, and after the mobbing and the angry Tweets and that _damn_ Larry Stylinson business, sometimes I just want a week to myself to collect my thoughts, y’know?”

Niall nodded, because he could understand. He knew the feeling and he was positive that everyone did in some sense. “But now I’ve seen that what you’re going through… it’s a lot more than just a break. It’s far worse thanks to me and I seriously owe you an apology for that Niall,” Harry said. He spun slowly on his heels to look Niall in the eyes directly, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets as Niall watched him, expression unreadable. “I never wanted this to happen. As fucked up as it may sound I thought that what we did… that it would fix things. I don’t even know why.” Harry glanced down at the floor and said, “Maybe I just wanted an excuse to touch you. Dunno, really.”

Harry’s cheeks were blushing crimson and he felt adrenaline pumping at the admission of something so private. “All because I’m a girl?” Niall asked, confused.

“No,” Harry’s voice broke silence softly. He glanced up at Niall, complete and utter vulnerability showing in his eyes as he said, “I… I’ve wanted to do it since before this all happened.”

Niall felt like he had a giant lump in his throat, and he swallowed hard as he just looked into Harry’s eyes. “Well, I’m in no fit state to date, unfortunately, so…” Niall began. He didn’t know where Harry was trying to take this conversation.

“I know,” Harry rushed to include. “It’s just that… I wanted you to know. I wasn’t just… invading your privacy and taking advantage. I really do care about you more than a normal mate should care.” Harry sighed and stared down at his shoes. He walked over to sit on the bed and then admitted, more to his hands than to Niall, “You look amazing, by the way.”

“Harry, you know as well as I do that’s not true,” Niall protested.

“Hear me out,” Harry pleaded. He looked up at Niall, who just nodded and sat down next to him. Niall didn’t know why he wasn’t moving or walking away; this situation was a tad bit uncomfortable, to say the least. “At first I know you had a hard time getting used to it all… but Niall, you caught on so quickly. And… and you care and you take care of your body and… you’re not trying to hide this thing that happened. You could’ve worn baggier clothes and chopped your hair off and started smoking to lower your voice or something, but instead you just embraced who you became and… that’s more than I think a lot of guys would do.”

Harry glanced over at Niall who was now staring at his hands, chipped nail polish in a deep shade of maroon flaking off as he picked at it. “I just want you to know… even like this, when you may hate your body or hate me for what I did or any of that…” Harry said slowly. He glanced over at Niall and guided his face so they were eye to eye. “I just want you to know that you’re truly beautiful. And even if you don’t like me as a person, I’d give you the world to try to make up for what I’ve done and what you’re going through on account of me.”

Niall was at a complete and utter loss for words when Harry finished speaking. He looked over at Harry and very softly, all he could reply was, “Thank you.”

Harry reached over to cover Niall’s hand with his own. His touch was gentle and comforting, and it was almost hesitant so Niall wouldn’t feel pressured or smothered or anything. Niall was trembling just a bit, but he twisted his hand so he could press his palm to Harry’s, their fingers weaving together perfectly and delicately. “I erm… I find out whether it’s a boy or a girl on Friday,” Niall confessed. “D’you want to come with me?”

Harry felt so happy he could burst. He grinned and without even thinking, replied, “I’d love to.”

That put a smile on Niall’s face as well, and things seemed less tense after that. Harry spent most of the day with Niall that day; he insisted on making him lunch, and midday when Niall got the strangest craving for pickled eggs, Harry went to the store to buy him some. By the time he got back, Niall had sated his craving with a plain jar of pickles instead, so the eggs went uneaten, but Harry was happy to have been enlisted to do such a thing in the first place.

Preparations for the stadium tour were well under way, and Harry was not looking forward to leaving Niall behind for that stretch of time. The story the fans were told was that one of his already deceased relatives had passed away, so Niall was home mourning with his family. But during meetings to prepare for the stadium tour that Niall would no longer be a part of, management was discussing whether they should sever their contract with Niall and reduce One Direction to a four-part boy band. “No!” Harry had burst out immediately.

Liam, Louis, and Zayn all stared at Harry. Nobody had told management that in his girl form, Niall was pregnant. Nobody had wanted to bear that news to the higher-ups because it might mean he’d be fired without any discussion whatsoever. “Just… give it a few more months,” Harry pleaded. “I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

A few more months – or four, precisely – was all they would need. If Niall didn’t turn after the baby was born, the boys highly doubted that he ever would. And if he did one day, they could do a reunion tour and reignite that One Direction excitement. Management conceded to give Niall six more months, and Harry was beyond relieved. But so much could happen in six months that he was simultaneously happy and worried about it all.

Friday came faster than anyone really anticipated, and Liam, Zayn, and Louis sat around Harry and Louis’s flat, excited to hear the results of the ultrasound that day. Not only that, but their girlfriends were all excited to hear it too, so Harry had lots of people that he had to hope he wouldn’t disappoint.

He picked Niall up, they went for lunch, and afterwards they went to the clinic in town that they’d been going to from the start – it was thankfully quite discreet and Niall’s secret was safe. Dr. Carrington was as kind and friendly as always, and she started the appointment with her routine checkup; making sure that Niall’s body was progressing well, that his health was still where it should be, and then she had him lay back so she could find out the sex of the baby.

Niall was dressing much differently than he used to when he first found out about the pregnancy. Where he’d once worn tight denim skinny jeans he now enjoyed wearing leggings in the brisk spring air, and where he once wore simple tee shirts, he now wore plain dresses. They were so much more comfortable. However, it felt awkward for him that day to lift his dress from his knees to his breasts, exposing the now obvious curve of his belly. “You’re half-way there,” Dr. Carrington said to him happily.

And this time, Niall smiled.

Harry hadn’t realized that a simple talk with Niall could have that much of an effect on everything, but it had and it made his whole heart swell with joy and pride. He took hold of Niall’s hand when it was offered, and this time they both stared at the screen from the start. Dr. Carrington moved the wand through the cold gel on his belly, searching for the right angle. She measured he head, sought out the feet, and then smiled as she asked, “Are you two ready to find out the sex of your baby?”

Harry nodded and Niall croaked out a nervous, “Yes.”

She twisted the wand a little more and then said happily, “Congratulations, you two. You’re going to have a baby girl.”

For Niall, it was as though his whole world had stopped for a moment. At first he kept thinking about how horrible it was; experiencing things through a female’s eyes as he’d been doing for several months now was something that Niall hated. He didn’t want any child of his to go through that. But then he thought about baby Lux, how happy and adorable she was, and even though it took a few moments a smile spread upon Niall’s face.

Harry was beaming at his side looking emotional, and Niall gave his hand a squeeze as he said, “That’s… we’re having a daughter.”

The situation was so much different than the first appointment. At the first appointment Niall had been present but not quite excited about it, but now things were different. Something about this baby gave Niall a feeling in his chest, this feeling of purpose, and it was something that he enjoyed. And knowing that there was a loving, caring man such as Harry that would be present in the baby’s life as well gave Niall even more happiness.

Harry knew that he should have texted the guys; they were probably on the edge of their seats. But Niall asked if he could hang out with them before they left, and the thought of Niall being able to give them the news was one that was just too wonderful. Instead of hiding himself away where nobody could see him, Niall wanted to be around his friends. Friends who hadn’t seen him since he’d taken the home pregnancy test months ago would get to witness firsthand what Niall was experiencing now.

The entire drive home, both beamed with happiness, and when they walked through the doorway to Harry and Louis’s flat, the other three bounded towards the door. They froze when they saw Niall in his female form, baby bump in front of him underneath the plain blue dress. He wore black leggings and plain black ballet flats, blonde hair in curls over his shoulders, but in their eyes it was the same old Nialler they’d met on the X Factor. He always would be.

“Well?” Louis prompted excitedly.

Harry wanted to tell, but it wasn’t his news to tell. Instead he just looked over to Niall and nodded, and with a coy smile on his face, Niall said happily, “It’s a girl.”

The boys let out hoots of excitement and all of them gathered Niall up into a huge hug. He might have appeared different, but he wasn’t different at all. It was Niall, the silly Irish boy who loved food and singing and who could play the guitar better than any of the rest of them. Nothing had changed about him in their eyes and Niall hadn’t truly realized it until that moment.

Niall spent the night with them that night, curled up on the sofa with his head in Harry’s lap as Harry and Liam battled it out in a Fifa tourney. Louis had ordered mounds of Chinese food and Liam was on the phone with Danielle, pleading with her to tell the other girls. “Not to worry,” Niall called out excitedly.

Four sets of eyes focused on him for a moment as his hand dropped to his baby bump and he said, “I’ve already told them.”

Niall was grinning from ear to ear and for the first time in a long time, he was happy. Niall was content and at peace with his situation, and nothing had ever made the other four feel quite as good as knowing that their band mate was truly okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! Another update so fast! But I've plotted out the rest of the fic and I'm happy to announce that there will be TEN chapters! We're down to the last four coming up here after vacation - so keep an eye out and as always, keep the feedback coming! Thanks for reading x

Just as soon as Niall was getting used to being around the guys and sharing the pregnancy with Harry, he had to say goodbye. They were embarking on their several months long trek to do a stadium tour and Niall had to stay behind. Management had worked out a reasonable excuse as to why Niall wasn’t participating, and he just had to keep his lips zipped shut. So, he locked himself into his flat again, only leaving for food and doctor’s appointments.

Thankfully, he was only alone for a couple of weeks before Eleanor made herself a temporary bunk in his guest room. She was done with Uni until the fall and the guys would be gone until mid-June for their stadium tour. It was only a two month stretch to go without Harry and the others around, but it was more than he wanted to bear.

Perrie was obviously encouraging Niall to keep the baby, as now she had begun to send him all sorts of cute baby girl outfits that she found online. She’d order them or buy them in person and ship them to him, and while the thought was nice, Niall didn’t quite know if he wanted to keep the baby. He might be at peace with the pregnancy but that didn’t mean he was ready to be a parent. He was only twenty and he knew that Harry, being younger, was even more ill-equipped than Niall was. They had the skills but the time? No, they didn’t have the time and Niall knew that.

Eleanor talked with Niall a lot about his options, and one night the two of them were lying around on the sofa watching movies when she switched off the TV and said, “I think you should make a decision about the baby soon.”

Niall sighed. He knew the time to make a decision had approached and he couldn’t really avoid it, but it was difficult to decide something so huge. “I think…” he began slowly. He chewed at his lip and worried it between his teeth as he tried to grapple for a solution. “Maybe I should talk to Gemma.”

Eleanor wanted Niall to make a decision before it was too late, but hearing him agree to speak to Gemma about everything was huge. Just a week ago he would have insisted that it was no big deal and that he didn’t have to decide. “That sounds like a great idea, Niall,” she said with a smile.

They were silent after that, and they went to their respective rooms to sleep. The following day Niall sent a text message to Gemma, and was met with an emphatic reply. She said that she’d love to discuss it all with him, and that she could meet him at his flat in a few days. “I’ll be out of your hair during that,” Eleanor said with a smile. “But if you two decide to have a movie night, you know that Danielle and I expect to be given a ring.”

Niall just smiled and nodded, and when Eleanor left, he gave her a big hug and thanked her for everything. “I’m happy to help you, Niall. Always,” she nodded.

Eleanor was such a sweet girl; he really did hate how much she and Louis’s relationship was critiqued by the masses. Much like how he worried about how Gemma would be treated if he were to let her adopt the baby. At least he’d know that the baby was in good hands, but he didn’t want anyone else to go through hell solely because he couldn’t keep his legs shut and his heart impervious to Harry’s charm.

When she arrived, Gemma was wearing a baggy sweatshirt. There were a few photographers outside, and Niall had passed himself off as a friend from school, and they went into his flat. “What’s with the baggy clothes? You must be sweating,” Niall said, commenting on the fact that it was exceptionally warm for a May afternoon.

Gemma shrugged and pulled the sweatshirt from her body to reveal a much more airy tank top with beautiful ruffles at the shoulders. “I figured it was best to look like I was trying to hide something, just in case you decide not to keep the baby,” she confessed. “We wouldn’t want anyone to get suspicious.”

Niall was extremely relieved to have Gemma over. She had such a good mind about her, and as it turned out she had just completed her degree at Uni so she was ready to step into a full time job. “But won’t a baby get in the way of that?” Niall asked as he milled about his kitchen preparing them some tea.

“Not at all,” Gemma said kindly. She smiled and said, “It will be challenging, being a single mother, but if it’s what’s best for the child, I’m happy to help.”

“But what about dating? That will put a damper on things,” Niall argued.

Gemma let out a laugh, and it was almost like music to his ears. She was a lot like Harry in that sense. “Don’t worry about that,” she said simply. “I’m not focused on dating right now, and a child could very well weed out the wankers from the good lot of guys, don’t you think?

Niall let out a laugh at that, because he knew she had a point. “If you’re sure… I’ll consider it,” he confessed, and she just smiled.

It was easy to fall into a rhythm of spending time with Gemma, considering Niall didn’t know her nearly as well as he would have thought. She was kind and warm, and they had a lot in common when it came down to it. She was always craving some food or another, but she had more self-restraint than Niall. They watched the same sorts of movies and of course they both cared for Harry. “Are you two like… a couple?” she asked hesitantly.

Niall didn’t quite know how to answer that. “We’re… complicated,” Niall confessed. He didn’t know how else to phrase it. They truly were just really complicated people and that’s about all he could say about it.

They sat around Niall’s living room, both curled up on the sofa, and Niall was showing her the ultrasound photos as a movie played in the background without any attention being paid to it. “This was the first time we saw the baby… eleven weeks,” Niall pointed out. And he showed her the sixteen week ultrasound, and then the twenty week, and he said that his next appointment wasn’t for a few more weeks yet.

“And you said it’s a girl?” Gemma asked. “I’m fine either way… if this is what you decide to do…” she didn’t want to pressure Niall into anything. But the fact of the matter was if he became male again and went on the road the baby would be much better off in a stable home.

“Yeah… it’s a girl,” Niall nodded. “Poor thing. I hope she’s never in my shoes one day.”

“I’m sure she’s a perfectly sensible girl,” Gemma smiled. “She has lovely parents.”

Niall felt his cheeks tint red at the compliment and he thanked her softly. They set the photos aside and turned their attention to the television. Niall watched the movie but he didn’t retain a single moment of it. His brain was swirling over the different things he had to take into consideration. Could he bear to part with the baby? Would Gemma be able to handle being a single mother? She insisted that it would work out perfectly, and as a lawyer she would have enough to support the baby. Of course, Niall and Harry would help her and visit whenever they could, but the fact of the matter was – this wouldn’t be their baby any longer and that was the most difficult thing for Niall to wrap his mind around.

He had to seriously consider whether or not he could just say goodbye to the baby. Sure, he’d be able to see the little girl grow up, but could he imagine a life where this little girl called someone else Mommy and someone else Daddy? It was difficult, but at the same time Niall had this nagging feeling in his brain that it was just… _right_. He’d seen Lou Teasdale while she was pregnant with Lux and there was just so much more that went into her pregnancy that Niall wasn’t experiencing. It might have been his brain chemistry or the fact that he was actually a guy, but he just didn’t have that.

Niall had no urges to go baby clothes shopping, or to decorate a nursery, or to even do all the “baby bonding” things like talking to the baby or singing to it. If he was prepared, if he knew that the baby was intentional and meant to be his, Niall might have found it easier. Even more, he knew that things probably would have been easier if he were on the outside looking in. If he was the father and he had gotten a girl pregnant, he might have been a lot more accepting of the situation. It all felt so grossly internal and disgusting and he really just… didn’t feel right about it.

The following evening the two were lying on the sofa again, this time with no movie on. They were just talking about anything and nothing and when there was a pause in the conversation, Niall took a breath and asked, “So… if you were to adopt the baby… what would you allow Harry and I to be in relation to her?”

The question had been nagging on his mind for a while, and Gemma seemed to have thought about it because she didn’t even have to think about it. “Well…” she began. “Harry would probably be Uncle Harry, don’t you think? I don’t want it to sound incestuous, and technically she’d be raised to believe that she was his niece.” Niall nodded, and he swallowed as he wondered whether Harry would actually be okay with that. Gemma continued nervously, “And you… well, I’ve been trying to think of various things depending on whether you turn back. If you don’t, my first thought was Auntie Niall. But… if you do, I’d be open to you being called Daddy.”

Niall’s head whipped over to look at her quickly. Had she really just said that? “Gemma…” he began slowly.

“I mean it,” she said with a kind smile. “Every child should know her parents.”

“But I wouldn’t be around,” he commented sadly.

“Oh shush,” Gemma said, a bit of musical laughter joining her words as she looked at him with amusement. “You and I both know that if you do this, you’ll want to see her grow and learn, am I right?” Niall nodded instantly because he really did want to see his baby grow up. “Well then we’d treat it as though we were a separated couple. Lots of kids live with one parent and have another living somewhere else due to divorces, breakups, separations, et cetera. Why couldn’t our family be any different?”

“But what about when you meet someone one day?” Niall pressed nervously.

“I think you mean _if_ I meet someone,” Gemma laughed again. “But if or when that happens, it’ll be just like in any step-family situation. I’m Mommy, he’s whatever his name is. Nobody could possibly take the place of you in her life, no matter what your gender. I mean that, Niall. Until one day you decide you don’t want her… if you ever decide a thing like that… she’s just as much yours as she is anyone else’s – more, even. You’re going through nine months of this just to bring her into this world. That’s so special and nobody can take that away from you.”

Niall’s eyes were misty as he thought about it all. Could he really do that? Could he really let someone else raise her? Only seeing her on holidays or special vacations would be enough for him, because he knew in his heart he wasn’t meant to raise her, and it felt good knowing that Gemma had considered nearly everything that had concerned him. “You don’t have to decide right away, Niall,” Gemma said kindly, covering his hand with hers. “I know this is a big decision, and…”

“Yes.”

Gemma looked at him in surprise, her brunette curls falling over her shoulders briskly as she fixed her full attention on him. “What?” she asked, a bit surprised.

“Gemma… I want you to adopt her when she’s born,” Niall confessed softly. “I can’t… I can’t be a parent. Not a full time parent, at least. I miss performing _so much_ and I know my time on stage isn’t over with. As soon as I can I’m going to be back out there with them, or out there on my own if I’m trapped as a woman the rest of my life. And…” his hands rubbed slowly over his belly as he said, “This baby deserves the kind of home that you could provide. Somewhere stable and loving and healthy and… relaxed. The road and the stage is no place to raise a child.”

The pure emotion in Niall’s voice told Gemma that this hadn’t been an easy decision for Niall, but she knew that he had his reasons and they were good, responsible reasons. “Niall… are you sure?” she asked softly.

“Positive,” he said, as much conviction in his voice as he could possibly muster. “She… she doesn’t really feel like mine. Not totally. She’s growing in me but that’s it. I’m giving her life and you’ll be able to give her a home. Maybe… maybe that’s why this whole thing happened to me in the first place.”

“I know this can’t be an easy decision,” she confessed. “If… if you change your mind before she’s born, I would completely understand, okay? I just want you to know that.”

Niall nodded and said, “Yeah. But… I don’t think I’m going to change my mind.”

“What about Harry?” she asked.

With a frown, Niall shook his head and said, “I don’t really think he’s got much of a say in it. And he’ll still get to see her and so will I, and… he’s the one that set this all up in the first place, didn’t he? So that’s got to mean he’s okay with it.”

“I think perhaps you should talk to him, just to make sure,” Gemma suggested. “But… it would be an honor for me to raise the baby. I’d be so happy to be trusted with something so precious and important.”

Niall smiled at Gemma and rested his head upon her shoulder. She stayed for a few more days before she had to go back to Holmes Chapel, and then Niall was left in his flat alone for a few days. He knew that he should call Eleanor but he just wanted a few days to himself to settle upon his decision. It was the best for all involved, but he just knew that the look in Harry’s eyes would break his heart. But he’d have to do it.

When Niall got around to telling Eleanor, she looked proud but sad at the same time. “She’ll have a good home with Gemma,” Eleanor said with a smile. She leaned in to hug him close and then smiled as she asked, “But can you put in a good word with her? I’m kind of vying for the title of Godmother against Danielle and Perrie.”

Niall let out a laugh and he said, “I couldn’t think of anyone better. But… Harry should be Godfather, not Louis, sorry to say.”

Eleanor laughed in reply and asked, “Do you think I’m crazy? Of course Harry should be the Godfather!”

As the two of them joked about such things, he felt so much better with his decision. Now all he had to do was wait until Harry returned from the stadium tour so he could break the news to him and the rest of the group. The thought was daunting, but he still had another month to perfect his words.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a huge filler chapter, but there's lots of small developments so I hope you still enjoy it! The months are ticking down into weeks and the baby will be here before we know it! As always, I'm open to your comments and I love hearing from you all! x

As soon as Harry and the rest returned after their stadium tour, they barraged Niall’s flat. Everyone gathered in, letters and gifts in hand from adoring fans that just wanted to send their best to Niall. The boys were smiling as they saw the shock on Niall’s face, but at the same time they noticed just how much bigger he had gotten. Niall was two months away from giving birth and his belly already looked like it was about to burst. His pace was slower as he moved around his flat, and he’d put on a little weight in his cheeks and limbs as well.

When the lads showed up with all of Niall’s gifts, insisting that he open them, Niall smiled but looked exhausted. “Tea?” he offered kindly.

“I’ll make it, don’t you worry,” Liam insisted. He walked into the kitchen and Niall reluctantly wandered into the living room instead of making tea for the lot of them.

Niall looked as though he were going to fall over instead of sit down gracefully as he tried to take his place in the center of the sofa. Harry watched him nervously, wondering if maybe he was going to fall or that his belly would burst open or something. “You doing alright, Nialler?” Louis asked.

“Aside from being a giant fucking whale, sure,” Niall sighed.

He hated having to hold things further out from his body due to his massive belly, and what’s worse is that the baby had taken to kicking, but not on the outside of his belly where he’d prefer; the baby was kicking his ribs and it was bloody painful. Niall winced but tried to hide it as he opened card after card. The thought and love from all of his fans gave him hope. Where Niall might have resigned himself to never performing as a part of One Direction ever again, they told him he was wrong. Sure, they didn’t know the situation and just wished him well and said that they missed him, but it gave him more hope than anyone else had managed to give him.

It took hours and several cups of tea (and several trips to the bathroom on Niall’s part) before he finished opening all the cards the boys had collected at their meet and greets and various events during the stadium tour. “I wish I’d been there,” Niall said wistfully.

“You were missed, definitely,” Zayn nodded.

Harry elbowed Zayn but Niall laughed and shook his head. “It’s fine, Harry. I came to terms with not performing on the stadium tour,” he shrugged. “I’ve just got to hope I can tour after this next album… and be on this next album. Did I tell you that they’ll let me record parts and mix it in at the very last moment if I switch back after the baby? They’re delaying release just to put me on it… hopefully.”

Niall sounded so optimistic and hopeful that the rest of them couldn’t help but smile for him. It was hard, seeing Niall so out of the loop on stuff like touring and recording. They’d been One Direction, the five of them, for years now – being without Niall was just strange and they didn’t like it. “Here’s hoping,” Liam said with a smile, raising his nearly-empty teacup in a toast.

The other four followed, and their glasses chimed together as they finished the rest of their tea. “Well, I’ve got to be getting back,” Liam said. “I promised Dani I’d take her out to dinner.”

“Perrie’s got a night off so I was going to visit her as well,” Zayn said.

Louis just grinned and said, “I don’t have plans with my girlfriend but I’ll make plans so you two can… _chat_.”

Louis winked at Niall, who had absolutely no idea what to make of the gesture. Harry squirmed slightly where he sat next to Niall, but he just stayed still and waited until he heard the rest leave. Niall had stood ever so slowly to bid them goodbye and see them to the door, and when he returned Harry looked so nervous he might be sick. “You alright, Harry?” Niall asked.

Harry looked distressed as Niall struggled to sit down on the sofa yet again, but he nodded anyway. That caused Niall to let out a bit of a laugh and he said, “I’m fine, too, even if you don’t believe me.”

Harry’s eyes darted down to Niall’s belly and he took in the sight with awe. Niall was wearing tighter clothes than usual; or perhaps all of his clothes just got tighter as his belly grew. Either way, Niall was wearing his usual leggings and dress combination, but he looked extremely uncomfortable. “If you’re fine, why do you keep making a hissing noise like you’re hurt?” Harry asked nervously.

“She’s just kicking,” Niall sighed. “I swear she’s as hyperactive as Louis… and that’s saying something.”

That caused Harry to let out a chuckle, and he asked, “Can I feel?”

Niall glanced up to meet Harry’s eyes. Harry looked so earnest and so innocent, so Niall nodded and reached out for Harry’s hand. He didn’t really understand the appeal of feeling the baby kick since it hurt so much, but Harry just looked so curious about it all that Niall would indulge him. He rested Harry’s hand on the upper curve of his belly, on his left side just below his breast and near his ribs. Harry’s touch was gentle and feather light but he didn’t retract. Niall pressed down on Harry’s hand just a bit, just in time for the baby to aim a particularly painful kick right at his rib-bone.

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt it.

His eyes bulged and he just stared at Niall’s belly in awe before he looked up at him. Niall was chuckling just a little, and he said, “Feels a lot less painful from your end I imagine.”

Harry just nodded, still staring at Niall’s belly. His hand stayed there as he felt a few more kicks, but they grew intermittent and eventually ended. “She’s probably sleeping again, she does that a lot as well thank goodness,” Niall commented.

For Harry, it was strange to hear Niall talk so casually about the baby and the pregnancy. It was as though he was so used to it and comfortable with it – like he was _meant_ to be pregnant, almost. Niall made it sound so effortless and so easy. It was amazing for Harry to witness after he’d seen Niall’s initial reaction to it all just five months prior. “The doctor says she’s still okay?” Harry asked hopefully.

“Yeah,” Niall nodded amicably. “She’s the right size, right position, all that. Next month she says I should pack a bag for whenever I go into labor. I’m not looking forward to that.”

“Why not?” Harry asked in confusion.

Niall sighed. “Harry, I’ll be pushing a fully grown baby out of a tiny space,” Niall said simply. “It’s going to hurt. I don’t really look forward to that.”

“Oh, right,” Harry replied sheepishly. A red blush tinted his cheeks and he hesitated before he asked, “C-can I be there when she’s born?”

Niall had assumed that Harry would be there, but he thought it endearing that Harry asked. “Of course,” he nodded quickly.

Harry grinned and Niall could see the happiness in his eyes. Harry positively glowed at the thought of being able to experience something so important. Being a father would suit Harry perfectly. But as Niall’s thoughts lingered that way, he knew that he couldn’t wait any longer. Niall wanted Harry to hear it all from him, not through an accidental slip of the tongue from Gemma. So, he sighed and reached over to take Harry’s hand. “I’ve decided what I want to do with her,” he said softly.

Every muscle in Harry’s body seemed to tense, but he never released Niall’s hand from his grip. “Oh,” he said. Niall didn’t know where to go from there so he gave Harry a moment. There was a drawn-out pause before Harry asked, “What did you decide?”

Harry felt Niall’s hand trembling slightly in his own, so before Niall even spoke, he knew what he was going to say. “Gemma is going to adopt her,” Niall said softly.

The words felt like a giant weight off of his chest. Niall could breathe. He didn’t feel as stifled by the whole situation, but he was also too scared to look up at Harry to see his reaction to it all. Harry wasn’t speaking, so Niall looked up to see Harry just staring down at the floor. “Is… is that okay?” Niall asked nervously.

Harry nodded quickly, but Niall could tell that he was upset. Tears brimmed in Niall’s eyes and he looked away, trying to blink them back. He wasn’t _sad_ , per se, but the pregnancy and the hormones threw his emotions all over the place. “Harry, I…” Niall began.

“It’s fine,” Harry cut him off.

But Niall understood that it was going to be difficult. Harry was so attached to this baby even if he wasn’t the one growing it inside of him. This was his child, his family, and he wouldn’t get to raise it and Niall was just taking that chance away from him. Harry glanced over and saw the tears on Niall’s cheeks, and he wrapped an arm around him to cuddle him close. “It’s okay, Niall. I understand,” Harry said softly.

But all of a sudden all of Niall’s emotions were bubbling up, magnifying, and he couldn’t stop the tears. He felt guilty for putting Harry through all of this. He felt guilty for how difficult things would get for Gemma and Harry’s family, and he couldn’t bear to think about it. “Shh, it’s okay Niall,” Harry whispered, holding Niall tight in his arms.

He rocked them slowly back and forth on the couch just a little, enough to calm Niall just a little bit. Harry kissed the top of Niall’s head and rubbed his back with one hand as he tried to get Niall to calm down and stop crying. Harry didn’t know how long he held Niall there on the sofa, but when he heard the tears come to a stop, he felt accomplished. “Niall, don’t worry about me,” Harry said softly. “My sister will be a great mum, and it means we’ll always get to see her.”

Niall nodded and leaned into Harry’s embrace and kept his head on his chest. They’d reclined into the back corner of the sofa and Niall lay as comfortably as he could against Harry’s side. “She and I talked about it a lot,” Niall said softly.

One of Harry’s arms rested around his waist, and Niall reached down to hold it as Harry asked, “What did you guys figure out?”

Harry still sounded emotional and sad but Niall knew that this was best for everyone involved. He told Harry about Gemma’s idea for what they’d be called by the baby, and that she would be able to support the baby since she had gotten such a prestigious degree and every little detail in-between. “She said we could choose her name,” Niall said, glancing up at Harry.

That was something Harry had completely forgotten about: the baby’s name. “I… I don’t know,” Harry admitted. “I’m awful with names.”

Niall just nodded. He didn’t feel particularly confident about choosing a name for a little girl either, but he wanted to be able to choose something so important. It was something the two of them could share even if they weren’t raising her themselves. “Well… what names do you find pretty?” he asked.

Harry paused and thought for a moment but he couldn’t think of many. They began to say any name that came to mind until Harry hesitated after Niall suggested the name Meghan. “What?” Niall asked. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Harry insisted quickly. “I… I like that name. Meghan.”

Niall smiled and looked up at Harry. He sat up straighter because he was beginning to get uncomfortable, and Harry followed. “You do?” Niall asked, surprised.

“Yeah,” Harry nodded. “It’s a good name.”

Niall smiled, and they talked a little more to settle upon a simple, common middle name for her as well. Niall liked this, just laying against Harry’s side, talking and holding hands. They were far more relaxed, and they cuddled there on the sofa until it was well past dark. “Do… d’you want to stay over?” Niall asked hesitantly.

Harry looked at Niall in surprise, but he nodded and followed Niall back into his room. The lights were off, it was dark, and Niall climbed into bed slowly. His back ached and he was sore from head to toe, but that all seemed a little less awful when Harry held him. Harry’s arm draped around Niall’s waist from behind, covering Niall’s baby bump, and Niall smiled as he let his eyes fall closed.

When Harry wasn’t working on the album or other promotional things with the rest of the band, he was sitting around Niall’s flat with him. He’d go buy Niall pizza or ice cream or whatever odd things he craved – especially pickled eggs for some reason. But Harry was happy to do it, and he made sure to hold Niall and massage his sore muscles as much as he could.

After noticing all the baby clothes Perrie kept sending to Niall, Harry also decided to inform Perrie and the others that they wouldn’t be the ones raising the baby. He brought all the gifts from Perrie up to his sister’s new flat in London, and they managed to sneak Niall along. Niall was amazed just by looking around Gemma’s flat. She was obviously prepared to raise a baby.

She showed him the nursery, a room covered in pastel tones but not overwhelmingly pink. “I didn’t want to make her feel like she had to be a girly girl,” Gemma explained. “She should get to choose who she is, so I got lots of things in all sorts of colors.”

Niall smiled and felt so much more at ease now that he could see what kind of home the baby would have. He never could have given this much attention and focus to a child; Niall wanted to be out on stage, singing and dancing and having fun with the other four guys. But Gemma was well suited to be a mother. She glowed at the prospect of having a baby to care for, even if she wasn’t the one giving birth to it.

Niall left midday to spend the evening with Liam at his flat, but Harry hung around at Gemma’s to speak with her. “Harry, is everything alright?” she asked as she watched him stand around the kitchen, preparing them dinner.

“Fine,” he said simply.

But Gemma knew her brother better than that. She frowned sympathetically and said softly, “You can tell me what’s on your mind, you know.”

Harry had a lot flowing through his brain and he didn’t really know if he could put it all into words. He’d stammer and make an idiot of himself and more than anything, he didn’t want to make Gemma feel bad. The last thing he wanted to do was sound selfish or petulant, but there was just a lot going on in his head. “I just don’t know how I feel about this stuff,” Harry shrugged.

Gemma tilted her head as she watched Harry place the chicken in the oven. He started slicing vegetables as she said, “You _do_ know how you feel, but you’re afraid to say it.”

Harry frowned. “Fine,” he sighed. “I don’t really want to give the baby up.”

She frowned. Harry bottled in so much and it couldn’t be easy for him, but she had to make sure he could see outside of himself and look at the situation with different eyes. “Harry… you’re a pop star. A musician. You tour at least six months out of the year and you’re so busy that sometimes you’re gone from home for days on end,” she rattled off. “Is that something you want to keep doing?”

“Of course,” Harry nodded. “It’s my dream. I can’t just stop.”

“Imagine doing all of that with a baby,” Gemma said simply. “Imagine having to bottle feed her during your rare few hours each night when you get to sleep. What if she can’t sleep? Then you’re awake during your only free time, caring for her. Could you imagine having to spend all of your free time caring for a little one? They can’t change their nappies on their own, or feed themselves, or dress themselves, and sometimes they can’t even fall asleep on their own. Imagine adding all of that to your already hectic schedule. Is that something you think you can handle? And what’s more… do you think it’s the right kind of environment for her to be raised in?”

Harry sliced the vegetables and sautéed them with some garlic as he just thought. He didn’t answer her right away and Gemma didn’t push him. She just stood in the doorway with her arms crossed, a kind expression on her face. “You’re right,” he said sadly.

“You’ll get to see her all the time,” Gemma insisted. “Whenever you’re in London you two can visit. You can babysit and spoil her rotten on holidays. And… if one day the band breaks up and you move back for good… we could work out custody if you really want her that badly.”

Harry was happy with the compromises until he heard the hint of sadness in Gemma’s voice in her last offer. “Gemma… no,” Harry shook his head. “You’re going to be her mum. I couldn’t take her from you. I’ll just be Uncle Harry and spoil her and… it’ll be great.”

But he wasn’t convinced. Gemma had the nagging thought in the back of her head that one day Niall and Harry would want to take the baby away from her, but she had to try to push that fear away. She would do whatever she could to help. “Harry, I know this is a hard decision,” she said softly. “But I’m very proud of you for making it. Even if someone else were going to adopt her, it’s such a selfless and big thing for you to do. Mum’s proud, too.”

Harry looked up at his sister who stood smiling at him kindly. As the food cooked, he walked over to give his sister a big hug. “Love you, Gemma,” he said softly.

Gemma fell into the big bear hug from her brother and replied, “I love you too, Harry.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this as accurate as possible, but I had to skim over certain parts due to the fact that I'm extremely squeamish. All the same, I hope you enjoy this chapter - it's the big moment!

When the final month of Niall’s pregnancy rolled around, he found it difficult to sleep and relax. He was always in pain, be it from the baby kicking or his sore ankles or whatever other pregnancy pains there were, but also because he was getting anxious. He wasn’t looking forward to actually having the baby because of the pain. But just in case, he’d packed a bag and set it by the door, ready just in case he went into labor.

After his last appointment, Dr. Carrington told him that he could go into labor at any time. The baby was the right size, in the right position, and apparently he was already “dilated,” whatever that might have meant. But Niall just had to ride it out until his water broke or the due date came, and the waiting was the worst part.

August was the month in which he was due, and Niall didn’t feel a thing aside from his usual pains. Harry had a break from recording the album and he ordered pizza for the two of them to eat while having a movie night. They put in a random scary movie and lay on the couch together. The empty pizza box had flopped off of the coffee table and onto the floor, and Harry’s arm was draped around Niall’s shoulders.

They’d gone through the last few months of the pregnancy like that; they’d never really talked about what they were doing or given it a label. But they acted like a couple and to the rest of the band, they just considered them to be just that. Harry and Niall would snuggle and kiss and hold hands, and it was cute. It just seemed… _right_.

That particular night after devouring a whole pizza, Niall let out a groan and clutched at his belly. “You okay?” Harry asked, worried.

Niall nodded. “I just ate too quickly, I think,” he insisted. “I’m fine.”

He sighed and let the wave of pain pass, and he lay back against Harry’s chest where they lay on the sofa. It was just over ten minutes later when the same ache hit him again that Niall realized something was wrong. He tried to pass it off when Harry asked again if he was okay, and Niall would have gotten away with not worrying Harry if he hadn’t felt a wetness between his thighs. “Oh shit,” he mumbled.

Harry’s head whipped over quickly to look at Niall and he asked, “What?”

“I…” Niall groaned and muttered, “Fuck. We need to go. Now.”

Harry’s eyes turned wide as saucers and he asked, “It’s time!? The baby’s coming!?”

Niall whined and nodded, clutching at his belly again. The pain was radiating through his entire body and he just wanted to both shout and cry and scream and die all at once. It wasn’t unbearable yet, but the doctor had warned him when they worked out a birth plan that the pain could get to that point of being unbearable. Harry’s hands shook has he tried to shut off the movie, and Niall pulled out his phone. Harry couldn’t drive in his state. “Liam?” Niall asked. “Yeah. It’s… it’s time. We’re freaking out. A ride? Yeah, perfect. Thanks.” He hung up and then looked at Harry. “He’s coming. He’ll drive. Just… let your sister know. Let the others know. I’ll…” he groaned again and reclined against the sofa. “I’ll just stay here.”

Niall kept his head back against the sofa as he tried to make the pain go away. He was breathing heavily and groaning as a new wave of pain hit – contractions, according to his doctor – and already he couldn’t stand the pain. He didn’t want to experience it when things got worse.

Thankfully Liam arrived not long after the phone call with Zayn and Louis in tow, and Harry was panicking to the point that he wasn’t focused on a single thing. He was anxious and nervous and Louis was trying his hardest to get Harry to stay calm. That left Zayn and Liam to help Niall wobble out to his car. They all squished in, Niall in the passenger seat, Liam driving, and the other three shoved in the back, and they rushed to the hospital.

When they arrived in A&E, a nurse rushed up with a wheelchair. “C-call my doctor, please,” Niall begged.

They wheeled him back to a hospital room, advising the rest to stay and wait until Niall was in a gown and bed and decent for company. Harry called Dr. Carrington on his phone but Louis had to do the talking as Harry looked like he was about to vomit. Niall winced and wanted to cry as he was switched into a hospital gown, absolutely nothing underneath but a nursing bra, and the nurse tried her best to comfort him. “It hurts,” he cried.

“I know it does, honey,” the elderly nurse told him calmly. “Give me your arm here… we’ll give you an IV and get the pain medicine flowing, okay?”

Niall nodded as a few tears slid down his cheeks, and he didn’t feel a thing as the needle was placed in the top of his hand and taped down. The nurse set up several different IV drips, and she asked Niall to part his legs. “We’re going to see where you’re at, okay? Once you’re halfway dilated if you want an epidural we can give you one,” she said calmly.

He didn’t need to be told twice. Even though it should be awkward to part his legs and have someone touch him there, they were just checking on him and more pain medicine would be _so_ worth it. “You’re at four. We want to get you to six centimeters before we give you the epidural. Just a bit longer,” she said as she threw away her rubber gloves. “Do you want me to go get the father?”

Niall nodded and begged, “And our friends, please.”

The nurse nodded comfortingly and went into the hallway to go get the boys. Harry looked pale, and the nurse took a moment to speak to him on her own as Louis, Zayn, and Liam walked into Niall’s room. The nurse told Harry that Niall was scared, and that he might be loud and cry a lot, but that all Harry needed to do was hold Niall’s hand. That would provide more comfort than nearly anything else. She also asked Harry to let her know if he needed anything – crackers, water, or anything to calm his nerves that she could serve him in a hospital – because she didn’t want him to pass out during the birth.

Gemma walked in just as Harry was about to go back to Niall’s room, and he brought her with. Thankfully no photographers saw so nobody would know that she was wearing a simple dress and was very much without a baby bump. She and Harry joined Niall in his room, and everyone sat around him with slight worry etched on their features.

Harry could see as soon as he walked in that Niall had been crying. He was still panting but the pain seemed to be subsiding thanks to whatever the nurse had done for him. Harry sat at Niall’s side, holding his hand faithfully, and he pushed Niall’s hair out of his face. “By this time tomorrow you’ll be done with all the pain,” Gemma said supportively. “You’re so close to the end of it all, Niall.”

Harry leaned in to kiss Niall softly, but the blonde still wasn’t saying a word. He just clutched at Harry’s hand and winced as more contractions hit. Harry could tell when they hit by the squeezing of his hand, and he wished there was more that he could do. When Dr. Carrington arrived, she checked Niall’s progress and told spoke, “You’re at six centimeters. Would you still like to go through with the epidural?”

Niall nodded enthusiastically, and the whole group helped Niall to sit up and dangle his feet over the side of the bed. He held onto Harry’s hands and looked into his eyes as he felt a needle going into his back. When Zayn, Liam, and Louis let out disgusted shouts as they watched, Niall whimpered and Harry just clutched his hands tighter. When it was over, Niall was helped back onto his back, and he laid there in bed, the pain dulled yet again. Eleanor arrived shortly after with a smile on her face and a gift that she set to the side, and she hoped she could be as supportive as the rest.

The worst part was the wait.

The last few centimeters seemed to take forever and the pain kept magnifying yet again. Niall was crying by the time Dr. Carrington said it was time to deliver, and Harry was so angry at himself for putting him through such pain. The doctor let all of Niall’s visitors stay in the room even though it was wasn’t customary because she’d never seen someone cry and panic quite as much as Niall was. Harry held one hand and Louis was supportively holding Niall’s other hand. Gemma stood at Niall’s side, holding one of his legs where it was placed in a stirrup. Eleanor mirrored Gemma, and Liam, the strongest of them all, stood behind Harry to make sure he stood upright as Zayn stood next to Louis with a grin on his face.

Niall’s hands were trembling and his whole body radiated with pain. He couldn’t believe that women went through this willingly, multiple times even. It was so horrible and it made him feel like he’d rather be dead. When Dr. Carrington settled herself beneath the cover she’d created by draping a polyester sheet over his knees and she covered her face with a surgical mask, Niall felt his heart rate double. “Niall, breathe and relax,” she said softly.

“I can’t,” he wailed sadly.

Harry glanced back at Dr. Carrington. How could she say something like that? Obviously Niall wouldn’t be able to relax – he was in pain! He focused his attention back on Niall as his hand was squeezed to the point of almost breaking. Harry pushed the blonde hair off of Niall’s sticky, sweat-slicked forehead and he kissed the skin there as he said, “You can do this, Niall. It’ll all be over soon.”

But Harry needed reassuring almost as much as Niall did, which was why Liam was behind him, holding him upright as his knees shook with nervousness. “Niall, are you ready?” Dr. Carrington asked. Niall shook his head, but she continued. “When the next contraction hits, I want you to push.”

Niall groaned loudly and clutched at Harry and Louis’s hands, but he did was he was told. His face screwed up in concentration and he sobbed as he leaned forward, every muscle in his body tensing. “Good, good,” Dr. Carrington encouraged him. “Keep going. You’re doing great.” Niall pushed a few more seconds until she said, “Okay, breathe Niall. Relax for a moment.”

Niall was openly sobbing now, his hair in his face and his skin red with exertion. Gemma was watching as though the whole thing was a miracle, and most of the guys were shocked. They hadn’t expected child birth to be so intense. “Niall, we’re going to do it again, okay? With the next contraction, push,” Dr. Carrington said. “Count to ten and then you can let off.”

She focused on the area beneath the sheet and when the next contraction hit, Niall repeated what he’d done before. He wanted to scream with all the pain; even with the medication it still felt like he was being ripped open. It was almost too much. Gemma peeked down and saw a small curve of skin, the baby’s head, until Niall let up. “You’re so close, Niall,” Dr. Carrington said. “I can see the head. Push again, okay?”

Another sob escaped his lips and Harry couldn’t feel his fingers but he stayed at Niall’s side to try to encourage him. Words failed him, but he held Niall’s hand in return as he started to push. Liam was very nearly holding Harry upright on his own but he didn’t say a word. Everyone just needed to make it through. “Keep going, Niall,” Dr. Carrington said. “Just a little bit more. Push!”

“C’mon, push Niall, you can do it,” Louis said hopefully.

When he stopped this time around, there were some suctioning noises heard from below and Dr. Carrington said, “One last time, Niall. Her head is out. You can do it.”

The pain washed over him yet again and he pushed. He kept going until he couldn’t take it anymore. “Keep going Niall!” Dr. Carrington encouraged.

He felt like he had no more strength, but he didn’t stop. Niall pushed and pushed until he heard cheering and crying and what’s more – it wasn’t _his_ crying. Harry looked about to pass out as Dr. Carrington rested the little baby girl on Niall’s chest, right there in front of him in a thin white blanket that was wrapped around her body. Everyone there for Niall was smiling and grinning, but he just cried. Niall looked down at the little baby in front of him, and it was hard. It was one of the hardest things in his life because he saw the way Harry positively mooned over her. The pain and the unsettling feeling that this baby wasn’t _really_ his washed over him and he just rested his head back against the pillows and cried.

Gemma cut the baby’s cord and helped the nurse give the baby her first bath, and Niall just laid there as Dr. Carrington cleaned him up. His hands were limp in Harry and Louis’s grasps, and nobody quite knew what to do as Niall cried. They had thought it was from the pain, at first, but now it was something else. The baby was out and he was okay, but… the tears never stopped. “You did wonderfully, Niall,” Dr. Carrington insisted. “Whenever you’re ready we’ll have the nurses draw you a bath and get you into your new room.”

But he didn’t hear her. His sobs shook his whole body. Harry was at a loss, and he felt weak, but more than anything he wanted to see his daughter. Gemma held her off to the side, cradling the now sleeping baby in her arms. He wandered over to her slowly, leaving the others with Niall. Eleanor was mooning over the baby – Meghan, Harry told them – and that left Liam, Louis, and Zayn with Niall who couldn’t seem to calm down.

“Niall,” Liam said softly. He sat down on the bed and reached out for him. “Niall, it’s over with. You’re okay. Everyone’s okay.”

Niall couldn’t even explain why he was so emotional. Maybe it was because the weight of it all was on his shoulders. He’d looked down at the baby, but she didn’t feel like his. She seemed so foreign and untouchable and… so much like someone else’s that he felt heartless and cruel. He’d gone through nine months of carrying her, and all the pain of giving birth to her, and all for what? Nothing. He felt terrible for not even wanting to hold her.

Liam reached out to hug him, and Niall fell quickly into his embrace. “It’s okay, Niall. It’s okay,” Liam repeated. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Liam held Niall until his tears subsided just a bit. Harry, Gemma, and Eleanor were already in Niall’s new room. Meghan had needed a bottle and a nappy change and they had taken so well to caring for her already. Louis frowned and patted Niall’s shoulder. He wished Harry would have had the sense to stick around. Zayn felt awkward and didn’t quite know what to do, but he never left the bedside because he wanted to be sure that Niall was okay.

Slowly Liam managed to coax Niall out of his bed and into the bath that the nurses drew up for him. They helped clean him up, and he moved slowly as his whole body still ached from the exertion of giving birth. By the time he was in his new room, he was ready to pass out. Louis sat next to his bed and rubbed Niall’s back as he fell asleep, curled up to one side looking positively pitiful and sad. Liam was out in the hallway with Harry, Gemma, and little baby Meghan. “How come you left?” he asked Harry softly.

Gemma took that as her cue to walk away to bring Meghan to the nursery to sleep. “I… I thought he was upset with me,” Harry confessed stupidly.

Liam frowned. “He was scared. And upset. And… Harry, he’s taking this really hard,” Liam said softly. “I think maybe you should make sure that this adoption is really what he wants. He’s seen her now, he knows what his daughter looks like… I think it was really hard for him.”

Harry nodded slowly. “If I were you, I’d go in there and lie with him,” Liam said. “He cried for nearly thirty minutes after she was born. Something’s wrong and I think you’ll have more luck than any of the rest of us in talking to him.”

It was terrifying for Harry, walking back into Niall’s room. He hadn’t seen him since Niall was very nearly hyperventilating with emotion after Meghan’s birth. Niall was fast asleep, but he looked anything but peaceful. Harry walked over towards Louis, who just patted Harry on the shoulder and gave him a weak smile. “He needs you, Hazza,” Louis said softly. “Don’t let him go this alone.”

Harry nodded. His relationship with Niall was so complicated, but in that moment he had to be the supportive boyfriend that didn’t leave his side. Not anymore, at least; it wouldn’t help Niall in the slightest. Slowly, Harry climbed onto the bed behind Niall and slid an arm around his waist. Niall shuffled, consciousness claiming him just slightly as he felt the shift in weight on his mattress. “It’s just me,” Harry whispered softly.

Niall nodded drowsily, sniffling as he shuffled closer to Harry. “I’m not going anywhere, Niall. I promise,” Harry said, reaching his arm around Niall’s waist, his fingers entwining with Niall’s.

“I love you, Harry,” Niall whispered weakly.

Harry wanted to cry just at how sad and completely broken Niall sounded. He just held Niall close and nuzzled him, placing a kiss on his cheek before he whispered, “I love you, too. Just get some rest… I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

A lone tear slid down Niall’s cheek as he accepted Harry’s words and closed his eyes, sleep claiming him all over again. They woke the next morning when a nurse insisted that she needed to take Niall’s vitals and feed him breakfast. Niall ordered pancakes but didn’t eat much of them, and Harry never left his side just as he promised.

When Harry asked how Niall was feeling about the adoption, Niall just looked at Harry and said seriously, “I’m not backing out of it. I just… it was hard seeing her. She’s not mine. She’s never really been mine.”

Harry nodded, accepting Niall’s words. He hadn’t realized that Niall thought of the baby quite like that, but he did and he couldn’t blame him, really. Niall hadn’t wanted the pregnancy, and he hadn’t really wanted to raise her from the start. It all made sense.

That didn’t make it any easier for Niall, though. He and Meghan stayed in the hospital the required length of time, Gemma rarely leaving the nursery the whole time. She positively glowed and it was obvious that she was going to be a wonderful mother. Niall held Meghan once, the morning before they would be checking out of the hospital.

Meghan looked just like Harry, her brown curly hair obvious from under her small pink hat. She looked up at Niall with big blue eyes and let out a soft cooing noise. Niall felt emotional all over again, but he couldn’t deny that this time it was because the whole situation was rather miraculous. “She’s so beautiful, Niall,” Harry whispered.

And Niall just nodded, because it was true. He might have cursed being turned to a woman and letting himself get knocked up, but Meghan was truly a miracle. She was beautiful, and she was a life that Niall brought into the world, and nothing could possibly change that or take that away from them. As the nurses prepared them to leave the hospital, Niall watched Gemma holding Meghan and putting her in the car seat, and he knew that giving her up for Gemma to adopt was the best thing for all involved, especially Meghan.

All they had to do before they could leave was sign the birth certificate. The notary said that Niall could sign it in his current state and it would still be valid and legal if and when he became male again, so he signed on the line labeled “father.” He watched as Gemma signed on the line labeled “mother.”

And that’s all there was to it. Meghan Elizabeth Styles was going home with Gemma, and Niall was going home empty handed and still just as female as ever.

Niall didn’t quite know how to handle it. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrapped it all up in one chapter instead of two. I hope it doesn't seem too rushed; I just wanted to tie up all the loose ends and give them a big unconventional happy family :) Thank you all so much for reading and for offering your support! It meant the world to me <3

Going home was difficult for Niall. He knew that Meghan might have come from him, but she wasn’t his daughter. He’d only held her once and she didn’t _feel_ like his, but it still hurt him to see her go home with someone else. But Gemma was well suited to being a mother and Niall knew this was best for the baby. Now he just had to hope that he’d made right with karma or whatever had turned him into a girl, and that he’d become his normal, male self again.

Harry went back to Niall’s flat with him, trying to make sure that Niall was coping okay, and he never left. Louis would probably kiss his ass into next Sunday if Harry tried to leave and go back to his flat for more than a change of clothes, anyway. And Harry held Niall’s feminine, unchanging form on the sofa, and in the kitchen, and under the covers in bed for nights on end. He did whatever he could to try to dull the pain that Niall was feeling.

Two weeks after Meghan’s birth, Niall was still in his feminine form. He had given up completely and it killed Harry to see that bright blue sparkle in Niall’s eyes completely disappear as he said that he lost all hope. It broke Harry’s heart but he didn’t know how in the world they could fix it. So instead he just held Niall in his arms and let him cry himself to sleep, and Harry stayed up as late as he could, caring eyes focused on the blonde whose dreams had been torn away from him, and for what? Nothing. It made no sense to Harry.

When he woke, the weight in the bed felt different. Harry’s arm wasn’t draped around a petite figure anymore. He glanced over, and his eyes turned wide as he found himself staring at a very naked, very _male_ Niall Horan. “Niall! Wake up!” Harry shouted, a massive grin on his face.

Niall grumbled something about not wanting to wake up, but he stopped mid-sentence when he heard his own voice. His eyes were wide as saucers as he looked over at Harry, and then slowly lifted his hands into view. And what he saw brightened Niall’s day immensely: masculine, calloused hands, completely devoid of nail polish, and they were _his_. He was a _guy_.

He let out a hoot of excitement and sent out a mass text message to all the guys, their girlfriends, and Gemma. Niall was ecstatic – he was over the moon and Harry just watched as all the happiness and the life and that _sparkle_ came back to Niall’s eyes. After he’d bounced about the flat, overjoyed at the lack of breasts and the abundance of _cock_ , Niall jumped onto the bed and straddled Harry, kissing him deeply.

Of all the things Niall could have done, that was the last thing Harry expected him to do. But Harry responded to the kiss with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, and he smiled happily at Niall as the kiss broke. “You’re such a bloody wanker, but I love you, and that doesn’t change now that I’ve got myself proper bits again,” Niall said happily.

Harry chuckled, that infectious sort of laugh that made Niall laugh in kind, and they met in the center for another kiss. And instead of traipsing out to enjoy the day, they stayed indoors. They had a proper lie-in with Nando’s ordered out to the flat and lots of sex (that would _not_ result in a baby!) and even more sex along with adamant requests that management not find out until the following day so Niall could celebrate in peace.

Harry and Niall ate Nando’s until they could burst, and they fucked until Harry’s bum was so sore he couldn’t possibly allow Niall to have another go, and when it was all said and done, they got dressed so the other guys could come in and the five of them could celebrate properly with some beers and FIFA. Things felt so normal again and Niall hadn’t been so happy in months. He knew that he’d been himself, just in a different body, but it wasn’t the same. The group dynamic changed and he was glad that it could change back.

They all slept in the flat, crashing on whatever surface they could all find, and when they woke Niall made the ever-important call to management to tell them that it was all good and done, and that he could come in to record his parts and learn the songs so they could get on with their lives proper. Niall hadn’t lost his job, or his fame, or his band, and he was forever grateful to Harry for fighting to help him keep it all in the first place. Niall was overjoyed, and he could tell that the rest were, too.

As he expected, Niall ended up in the studio for days on end, recording until he thought he wouldn’t have a voice any longer. But he sang and he sang and he never stopped, not even as he felt the urge to take a nap or stuff himself with more Nando’s washed over him. All Niall did was sing to make up for how much he’d been absent for nine months, and it seemed to be enough.

Once the album was recorded, the songs were mixed and they got to listen to a demo of it. One of the songs had two versions; with Niall and without, and Niall and the rest of the band could agree on one thing: as insignificant as a person may think their voice is, One Direction just isn’t the same with someone missing. They happily agreed on all the Niall-inclusive songs, and the album was sent to production. Now they had a bit of time off before leaving on the promo tour around America and the UK to boost album sales.

Before they left, Gemma invited everyone over for a little going away party. She partially planned it so they could all see Meghan again, a whole month old and developing wonderfully, but also because she’d grown attached to the boys and she wanted to be able to spend time with them. They all accepted without a second thought.

And now, a whole year later, Niall found himself on break from the band’s most recent tour, a carefully scheduled return to London made in the tour schedule so he could be there for the biggest day of Meghan’s life so far: her first birthday.

Harry and Niall were terrified because they only got to see Meghan once on Christmas and a second time when they visited London for tour, because they’d been all over the place between her birth and then. Essentially, management decided they needed to play catch-up on all the things they missed out on while Niall was a girl; touring, recording, charity work, and signings – everything was thrown into the schedule in a bigger whirlwind than ever before.

Zayn and Perrie bought Meghan a whole package full of new designer baby clothes, Louis wanted to give her a drum set but settled upon a toy xylophone instead at Gemma’s insistence, and Liam got her a mini acoustic guitar so she could be “just like daddy.” Harry couldn’t settle upon one single thing, so instead he offered to buy out and redecorate a whole park in London just outside of Gemma’s flat (which she insisted she wouldn’t move out of until Meghan outgrew going to the park).

And then there was Niall.

He couldn’t possibly figure out what to give his daughter on her first birthday. Even while they were on tours and doing charity work, the boys managed to spoil Meghan beyond her wildest imagination even when Gemma insisted that they don’t. Niall had no idea what he could give her that would make any sort of difference or impact. He’d purchased a large cake for her party, helped Gemma buy all the party favors, but it didn’t seem like enough. Nothing would ever seem like enough.

So instead, all he did was put together one little present. It was a gift filled with so much thoughtfulness and emotion and _love_ that there was no way to put any monetary value on it whatsoever. But for Niall it meant the world and he hoped that Meghan would grow to cherish it as much as he would.

The party went off without a hitch. Everything was set up in the park, and there was a full security detail to keep out the fans. They didn’t fully understand the situation, but they loved “Uncle Harry” and they all praised Gemma for how well she did with a baby, and the support was overwhelming. Niall supposed it was partially because the fans went into a tizzy at the sight of the guys with a baby, but he knew that they were actually really kind-hearted people. He was still worried that the fame would negatively affect Meghan, though. Gemma would always insist that Meghan would be fine, but Niall constantly worried on instinct.

Gemma smiled at Niall and gave him a huge hug, and she handed Meghan to him as soon as he arrived. Niall liked the first few moments when he saw Meghan after being away; she’d beam at him like he was her whole world, and then she’d bury her tiny little face in his chest and stretch her arms out, just barely reaching his own arms. It was her own little version of a hug, and it was always filled with as much love as he thought she could bear. Almost every time she did it he had to try not to cry, and instead he just placed a long, lingering kiss on the top of her head and wrapped his free arm around her back. “I love you, Meggie,” he always said softer.

That’s about the moment that Harry would approach, because usually when Niall had time to visit, Harry would be at his side. Meghan’s head would stay resting on Niall’s chest as she would turn and look at Harry with a smile, and slowly she’d detach herself to give Harry a hug that was just as cute. And on her first birthday, Meghan’s hugs were no different. Niall tried not to think about the fact that one day she wouldn’t hug them like that, one day she’d be too grown up to want to do such a thing, or maybe she’d hate them and never want to hug them or speak to them, but he told himself to live in the moment. He had to treasure the fact that she loved him even though he’d let Gemma raise her. It was the only relief he had when he got too down on himself.

Zayn was her favorite after Harry and Niall, and they could never quite figure out why. Maybe it was his scruff that she liked to pet, or maybe it was the fact that he always turned “don’t touch my hair” into some sort of game, and her little hands would always reach up to try to touch his hair anyway. She liked to pet Liam’s head because he was fuzzy and he smiled a lot, and best of all she liked playing with Louis because he always pulled silly faces that could make her laugh. The whole band was great with her, and it put Niall at ease.

Gemma ran the party, and she let everyone else take their turns holding Meghan. A few good friends were there; Danielle and Perrie and Eleanor, for starters. Eleanor had been named godmother and Harry was obviously her godfather, and the girls were happy to help babysit (Eleanor more than the rest). They all played with Meghan, and it was a small, modest group of people there to visit. Harry’s parents and Louis’s as well, and even Niall’s had made the trek out to visit.

But Niall would always frown when they’d keep introducing themselves to Meghan as their names, not titles such as “grandma.” Meghan only had one grandparent, and that was Anne. Niall felt like he was depriving Meghan of a “normal” family, and sometimes he’d forget that most families were complicated now; they had dead members and sick members and sometimes even exiled members and members that didn’t want to be a part of the family any longer. Meghan’s life wasn’t nearly as complicated as the lives of others could be. But sometimes Niall forgot and Harry would always put him at ease.

Oh, Harry.

How Harry could continue putting up with Niall, even after all that time, he would never understand. Harry ate endless piles of Nando’s with him, and he sat around and held him, and sometimes on the nights when Niall missed Meghan a lot, he’d just hold him while he cried. If there was one thing Niall did a lot more since he’d been a girl, it was cry. The weight of the adoption, coping with it all – it was difficult. Even though he still got the title of “daddy,” it was hard for him to cope with. It was hard for Harry too, so sometimes on the _really_ bad nights, they’d just lay in bed and cry together until they fell asleep, and in the morning they’d eat bacon and waffles and tell themselves that it was all for the better.

And every time they saw Meghan, they knew they were right. She was meant to be Gemma’s daughter, and it was obvious. Meghan and Gemma were an unbeatable pair; they had curls in their hair, they had big, bright smiles, and they could shop and dance and play and be _girly_ together. Gemma had the time to play dolls with Meghan, and Meghan felt so at ease with Gemma it was difficult to believe that she hadn’t given birth to her.

As they ate cake and opened presents, Niall could see just how perfect the little family he’d created was. Gemma and Meghan had a rhythm about them. Gemma held her a certain way when she was upset, and she could understand Meghan’s babbling, and they were just so _happy_ together. Everyone gave their gifts one by one until it was Niall’s turn. They’d saved his for last.

He handed her a small gift, about the size of a book, and Meghan stared at it before she playfully ripped the wrapping paper away to reveal a single photo frame. In it was a picture they’d taken just a few weeks prior, and Niall treasured it. He’d made it the background on his cell phone, laptop, _and_ iPad, and he had a matching frame with the same photo in it hanging in his room. The photo was in his wallet and his mother had it too, and it was his favorite photo so far of the two of them.

And that’s exactly what it was. Niall holding Meghan as they sat together poolside. Their backs were to the camera, and she wore pink as she kicked her toes in the splashes of water the same time that Niall did. It was the only photo he had of the two of them, and he treasured it. He just had to hope that Meghan would, too.

“It’s lovely, Niall. I’ll hang it in her room as soon as we get home,” Gemma said sweetly.

Harry kissed Niall’s forehead, and Niall just smiled as Meghan pointed to the picture and then up at him. Even without his face in the photo, she knew it was him, and that made Niall beam with happiness. “Meggie, can you go show daddy how much you love him?” she coaxed.

Meghan took unsteady little steps, her fingers clinging to Gemma, until she landed in Niall’s lap and he smiled. “Show daddy how much you love him!” Gemma encouraged.

Niall looked down at Meghan, and she leaned up to press a sloppy kiss right against his lips. Niall beamed and he said, “I love you too, sweetheart.” He smiled up at Harry, and then back at Meghan as he said, “We love you, too.”

Niall kissed the top of her head and then Harry did the same, and they spent the rest of the day doting on their daughter.

And not just that day, but her whole life, Niall and Harry would dote on her like she was their own. Because even though Gemma was raising her, Meghan would always be the little miracle that brought them together, and for that they would be eternally grateful.


End file.
